Reality Bites
by Michaela-Le-Mongoola
Summary: When a Mann. Co product testing initiative goes horribly wrong the BLU team are taken to a strange new world - our own. Caught in the middle of the chaos is a woman who loves Team Fortress a little too much, but living with her heroes may change her mind.
1. Insanity Is Not Your Friend

Author's Note: Hello, everybody! This is my first ever Team Fortress 2 fanfiction, so I hope you enjoy it. However, this is the edited version of the first chapter, which was done many weeks before this re-upload. There are no major changes, so please do not worry about any plot tweaks. I merely cleaned the first chapters up a bit, and added a few little things that I'd forgotten to put in the first time around. Anywho, enjoy the show!

Synopsis:

An experimental new technology, produced for a mass market by Mann. Co, leads to a disaster for the members of the BLU team. Torn from their time and their home, and re-deposited in several new places, they finally arrive in the future in the room of one of their biggest fans. Now Lara Croft (no, not that Lara Croft) must try to discover the truth for herself and help her friends to fit into their new world. But first she has to survive the trials and tribulations that come from living with those with a penchant for shooting things and setting them on fire, such as: 1.) Don't upset Pyro, they have a flamethrower. 2.) Make sure that Heavy doesn't break any more furniture. 3.) As previous, but with more emphasis because you failed to do so the last time. 4.) Discover the secrets of the universe with Medic and, 5.) Successfully flirt with Sniper at least once.

But little do they know that someone is watching them. Little do they know that they have become a problem which needs to be removed…

**Rated M, just in case.**

**Disclaimer**: Team Fortress 2 and its characters and locations are the intellectual property of Valve Software. I claim no ownership over the content of this story other than the plot, Lara and her family. Other stuff is mine too, but I'm sure common sense will tell you what those things are *smiley face*.

Oh, and hats **are** harmed in the making of this fanfiction. So there, hat-lovers. Take that. Hah. I care not for your odd collection of head-based fashion wears.

**…**

**..**

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Chapter One

Insanity Is Not Your Friend

_Diary Entry 1._

_Dear diary... God that sounds stupid. Okay. Dear me. No, that's worse. God, why do people write this shit?_

_Anyway, my name is Lara Croft. No, not that Lara Croft. That Lara Croft kicks ass, steals priceless relics from poor old dead geezers and manages to look awesome in the most unflattering leotard and shorts combination ever. This Lara Croft, though she does share the ample chest potatoes, doesn't kick ass, has only ever made off with someone else's chewing gum and looks like a dog in most items of clothing. Go team Croft._

_I'm nothing special. A bit on the plain side really, but I'm not ugly either. I'm not thin and I'm not fat, I'm comfortably in the middle. I've got long hair (that is always tied back, by the way) which is a sort of auburn-ish colour, brown eyes and pale skin. I'm short. A few freckles here and there. I like cake and chocolate, play videogames and doodle a lot. I can speak German, if that's of any great importance. I have friends, but they don't live nearby; they're scattered all over the country instead._

_I live in a little village outside of a big bustling city in the north of England. The UK. The Earth. The Solar System. The Universe. All of creation. Yeah, you get the point. It gets pretty lonely out here, but I entertain myself by playing my beloved videogames._

_This is my first ever diary. Can you tell? I could never see the fascination myself, but just recently I needed a place to put down my thoughts. Because I think it has finally happened. I think that I've finally gone insane._

_Now listen, I've had a pretty okay life so far. I have a decent family life, and it's only my dad that I don't get on with. I went to university and studied videogame development (yeah, I was officially the only girl on that course. I was very popular, surprisingly enough. It was the most attention that I have ever received in my life). I had a job until six months ago; I worked for a large high street firm but they went bust and I had to move back in with my parents, my two brothers and our crazy dog when I could no longer pay for my flat. Gee, thanks recession. Since then I've been on the dole. Oh the joys of the fortnightly job centre visit._

_I must be a weak-minded fool because, just recently, I've started seeing, hearing and feeling things. I see people that aren't there. At least, I don't think they are. I mean, they must be. They eat my food. They drink the water from the taps. They... ugh, they make a mess in the toilet. But no one else sees them. My family and the people around us have noticed the weirdness; my mum notices that food keeps disappearing, and the dog knows that they're here. Or am I dreaming all of this? Am I in some kind of coma? But stuff keeps happening, really happening, so I can't be insane, right? It must be a coma._

_Oh, crap. I've got to go. Heavy's broken the table with his fat ass again._

The day had started out like any other. Lara woke to find Blitzer, their pet husky dog, pressing down heavily on her chest and licking her nose with a slobbery tongue. 'Geez, thanks Blitz. 'She said with a light smile, wriggling her hand free to scratch her beloved furry friend behind his ears. 'Who's a good boy? Who's a good boy?' This mantra seemed to please Blitzer who licked her face one last time before he leapt from her body and out of the room, tail held firmly in the air.

The hours that followed passed by with great normality. She got out of bed, ate her usual combination of toast and a grapefruit, drank her coffee and washed and dressed. She took Blitzer out for his morning walk as her family were all out at work, and then went to their local shop to buy bread and milk. When she returned home Lara sat by her computer for five hours straight in a job hunting marathon, and sent out more applications than she could count. With this done Lara then went on to pester her friends via the medium of Facebook before finally settling down to play a videogame or two. On this particular day she had chosen to play her favourite game of all: Team Fortress 2.

The computer whirred pleasantly as Steam loaded up and Lara gazed at all of the Team Fortress related memorabilia around her room. She really, truly loved Team Fortress with every fibre of her being, and this was plainly obvious from the sticky bomb plush toy on her bed, the BLU team case on her phone, the pictures that lined her walls, and the clothes that she had amassed over the years.

'Ah, at last.' She smiled as Steam took her straight to her library. Deft fingers skimmed the mouse across the Fortress mouse-mat and the cursor clicked upon the appropriate link. It was not long until she was in the game, playing for her favourite team, the BLUs, as her favourite class, the Sniper.

It was only when the match was at the half way point that Lara realised her team was a bunch of noobs. 'Christ!' She shouted at her screen as the BLU Engineer ran head first into the sight of a RED sentry. 'How could you not see that? And you, you call yourself a spook? The RED Medic is right there next to you, of course they're going to realise one of you is a Spy!'

At least she was playing the game properly. She had hidden herself high above the brawling masses, and had steadily picked off the RED team with patience and precision. And if anyone came too close to her then out would come the trusty Kukri and SLASH! STAB! … they were dispatched into respawn hell. That's why she loved the Sniper class the most of all. The majority of people did not see it, but there was a certain grace and elegance to the Sniper; the way that he would conceal himself from view and snuff out the lives of his enemies in one, clean stroke was oddly poetic in the otherwise hectic battlefield, and of course Jarate was a skill that only a few could master. Well, it wasn't so much a skill but more of an ability to not be squeamish about extinguishing a fire with your own virtual pee.

Speaking of fires...

Lara inched the Sniper further towards the edge of the balcony on which they were hiding, and peered over the side to try and catch a glimpse of smoke and flames. It was only the screams of the BLU Scout that told her the RED Pyro was indeed still about somewhere. God, how she hated the Pyro class. To her a Pyro was someone who had no skills in the world of multi-player combat, and so chose to set fire to absolutely everything that moved as a matter of over-compensation. That wasn't a strategy – it was random, flame-based abuse. It pleased Lara greatly that she had been dominating the current Pyro's sorry ass, but she sorely wished that she had equipped herself with Jarate before starting this match. She had a feeling that she might be needing it soon enough.

Too busy was she was in trying to find the Pyro that she didn't see the RED Heavy aim in her direction. It was only the angry red haze of directorial damage, the hail of bullets and the ever decreasing health bar that warned her to pull back. 'Dammit, need health.' She breathed as she hammered the keyboard to call for the Medic, running away from the increasing shower of bullets and explosives. She couldn't stay there with only thirteen points of health left. It just wasn't sensible now they knew where she was.

As the Sniper bounded down the stairs, still calling for the Medic and looking wildly around for an emergency stash, Lara didn't see the Pyro that appeared from the corridor behind them. In a flash of fire the Sniper lay in a smouldering heap and the Pyro stood over his body, taunting Lara as the screen proudly announced that _Pulp-Er-Fizer _had exacted revenge on _TheCroftWoman_.

Lara sat gawking silently at the screen. She tried to form words, most likely a string of expletives, but her throat would form no sound. Oh well, she would respawn in eleven seconds. Then she could go back and plant the Kukri right in that Pyro's lousy, no good...

Eleven seconds had passed, but the Sniper had not respawned. Instead the screen had frozen in place, focusing on the BLU Demoman as he was launching sticky bombs into the air. Lara felt her eyebrow raise, and she let out a deep and unimpressed sigh. 'Come on, Steam. Don't crash now. Please. I need to kick that guy's ass. Don't do this to me.' The screen remained it's frozen, Demoman faced self. 'Please?' Still nothing. 'Fine.'

Her fingers stretched from the control and out to the alternate key. Her little finger on her other hand reached out to the delete button slowly, but she stopped when she saw her screen flicker. It was only brief, and the screen quickly returned to its previous frozen state, but Lara had been sure that there had been some text there. With a shrug, and a 'meh', her finger pressed on delete and the screen changed to the task manager. 'There we go.' Lara said, her attention turning to the mouse. 'Now to close the programme and...' Her eyes lifted to the screen and blinked in confusion. 'What?'

The screen was blue. It was not the kind of blue found in the Blue Screen of Death (which Lara would have assumed it to be had their not been a severe lack of white text) but rather varying shades of blue growing fainter and fainter as they travelled down the screen. 'What the hell?'

BOOM!

With a squeal Lara was thrown passed her computer and into the gap between her wardrobe and her wall. As she held her befuddled and pained head, and her ears rang and popped, she became all too aware that there was a collection of voices circulating around her room. As the ringing in her ears ceased, and her head cleared (though the searing pain remained) Lara lifted her eyes to the room and found several faces staring back at her, equally as confused as she was. They were a swarm of blue and varying shades of grey and black, arms and legs and heads. There were a few hats here and there, though there were weapons poking out from every angle imaginable.

Lara slowly pushed herself to her feet, struggling to stand in the now cramped room which was far too small to hold all of these bodies. She blinked repeatedly, as though her eyes had a stain on them that she thought she could wipe away. It physically hurt her entire being to try and comprehend the sight before her. 'I don't believe it. It's you. It's all of you. What the hell are you doing in my house?' She breathed, as she came face to face with the end of a sniper rifle and the eye of the man who was looking at her through the sight. She held out her hand slowly, extending it inch by inch before it finally came to rest on the shoulder of a now realistic-looking, very human and very real Sniper.

'Oi, you pommie bitch, don't touch the merchandise.'

'Oh, my God.' Lara almost leapt into the air. 'And you talk too?'

'Calm down, Sheila. O' course we talk.'

'My name isn't Sheila.'

The Sniper lowered his rifle to the ground and rolled his eyes. 'It's a figure of speech, darlin'.'

Her eyes left the Sniper to slowly scan the room. They were all here; Sniper, Spy and Medic, Heavy (who waved at her with a smile), Pyro, Demoman, Scout, Soldier and the Engineer. All in her room.

There was something wrong here. Something undoubtedly cool, but something terribly wrong.


	2. Five Weeks In

Chapter Two

Five Weeks In

_Diary Entry 2._

_It's now been five weeks since they arrived. I haven't written anything in this book for a while then, have I? Meh. Been too busy to write. Well, I fixed the table just in case you were wondering._

_So, what's been happening since my last entry? I'd love to say not much but that would be an outright lie. The BLUs have moved into my house. I tried to get them to leave after their first week here but they are staying well put. Can't say I blame them, really. I mean, they have no place to go, and I'm the only real human being that they can interact with. Well, on the plus side, I know I'm not going mad now – Blitzer can definitely see them all too, as can other animals, like the neighbour's cats for example. Great, I share a trait with members of the animal kingdom._

_Now on to my little mini-project; I have to find them appropriate places to live and sleep in my own house, but these have to be places where they can avoid my family. Christ, I'll have to think about this one. I suppose there's the loft. Dad hasn't touched that since he tried to convert it into a games room. And there's always the basement – the whole family avoids that particular room. Too many spiders._

_I hate spiders. Blech._

_Anyway, the housing mini-project. Really, it's to stop them from fucking up mine and my family's everyday lives. By fucking up I mean breaking everything. Everything. Like the kitchen table. And mum's priceless Fabergé eggs. And dad's models that he spent hours building. Blitzer's food bowls. Nathan and Phil's XBox (tee hee, that'll teach them not to play on such a crap console). The family think we've got ghosts. Nah. We've got invisible mercenaries. Even better._

_Well, to end on a positive note, at least the lot of us are getting on. Things were a little tense at first because they thought I had something to do with their sudden appearance in this world, but as the weeks have gone by they realised that I know as much as they do in regards to this predicament, which is nothing. Well, that is a lie. I do know something, something that I've informed them about. They are videogame characters (that was an interesting talk), and as such they have disappeared from the world of Team Fortress. Seriously, if you go on the game now there is no BLU team. There is no RED team either. No Announcer. No Mann. Co shop. Just a menu screen and nothing more._

_Farewell my not so plentiful hat collection. I knew thee well._

_There is something weird though, besides the bleeding obvious of course. The BLU team, as a whole, don't have names. They don't have memories, as such, just a hint of a past life. By this I mean they have an inkling as to what their life history may have been like. They do, however, have a clear and concise knowledge of each other, the RED team, and their objectives - effectively they only know of their in-game lives. I know that shouldn't be weird, seeing as though they were made to be part of a video game, but something just doesn't add up. They seem too much like real people to not have names, to not have a history._

_Oh, and there is something else as well. This bothers me the most. In the game, they looked like they were older men, with ages ranging from the forties to the fifties. But the only ones who fall into this age range now are Soldier, Medic and Engineer, with Medic being the oldest of the three. Scout is about the same age as me, with that being twenty-five, and Sniper and Spy (from what I can see of his face, anyway), look like they are in their early or mid-thirties. Heavy and Demoman aren't much older. And Pyro, well, who knows? From what I can see the game accentuated their features, to make them more cartoony I guess, and this made them look older. Oh, why do I even care? I'm picking out problems where none exist. Again._

_But like I said, we're getting on. That's important, I guess. But they are top guys, the lot of them. I'm even warming up to Pyro which is strange because they're, well, Pyro. But I still don't understand a word that they bloody say though._

_Also, Sniper is hot. He is just gorgeous, not in the traditional sense, but he is... well, you know. Just saying. Rugged features, piercing blue eyes. Even the dodgy sideburns and long face don't hinder his beauty. Oh, his teeth aren't up to much, admittedly, but he's still just perfect. Wait. What?_

_Okay, I'm going now._

'Look, will you guys listen to me for just two seconds? This is important, and we need to get it sorted before my family get home from work.' Lara called out above the noise of the talkative crowd. She and the BLU team were in the living room, some sat and others standing. It was only Sniper and Spy that fell quiet immediately, and in turn they elbowed Pyro and Engineer so that they too would pay attention. The rest of the team followed their example until it was only Heavy and Medic who were left laughing between themselves. Lara coughed loudly once, twice, and then for a third time before she realised that the two of them would not notice her through the use of her voice alone. Instead she took a few elastic bands out of the nearest drawer and flicked them into the sides of their heads. The two men stood, quiet and dumbfounded, before turning to look in Lara's direction. She smiled wryly. 'Thank you.'

Lara perched herself on the edge of the nearest chair, next to Engineer. 'Gentlemen, I think I've solved our little housing problem.' The room exploded into a furore of voices. Engineer lent forward in his seat so that he could have a better view of Lara's face. 'So, are you getting rid of us, darling?' He asked sadly. 'Because we're not really sure of anything beyond this house.'

Poor Engineer. Lara had become very fond of him over the passed few weeks. He was always happy and jovial, and had an endearing warmth to him that both Lara and the BLU team seemed to gravitate towards, but right now he seemed deflated. Almost defeated. She felt her heart break for him. 'No, no I'm not getting rid of you guys. You're not leaving the house, I promise.' Lara smiled, looking around the room at every single one of them. 'No, I just mean that I've arranged living... arrangements. I need to phrase my sentences better. Anyway...' She stood, pointing to the floor. 'I've worked out that half of you will be in the basement, and the other half will be in the loft.'

'What in hell is a loft?' Soldier grunted, his scowling features obscured by his helmet.

'An attic.'

'Why did you not just say that then, Lady Twinkletoes?'

Heavy tapped Soldier roughly on the head. 'Quiet, baby bald man. Lara is talking.'

'Thanks, Heavy.' She smiled. 'Anyway, it will go like this. Heavy, Pyro, Engineer, Soldier and Demoman...'

'Just Demo, darling.' Demo interrupted in his thick Scottish drawl. 'No formalities here, you know that.'

'... Okay. Well, yeah. You guys will be in the basement, simply because you do have a tendency to make a _lot _of noise. I know no one can hear you speaking, apart from me obviously, but everything else you do is, well, loud. Like knocking things over – no offence Heavy.'

Heavy only smiled.

'But, yeah. What was I saying?' She thought for a moment. 'Oh yeah. You'll be fine in the basement. No one eve goes down there, so it's perfect. You can do whatever the hell you like to it. Everyone else will be in the loft. You are a lot less noisy so you'll be fine up there. It's been carpeted, painted, the whole works.'

Sniper nodded, as did Medic, but Scout and Spy looked to each other with disdain.

'What is it now?' Lara asked, resisting the urge to roll her eyes.

Scout broke the uncomfortable silence. 'But why him? Shack me up with those guys in the basement, but not with him. He'll just go on and on about why he's so much better than me, why I suck because I'm a boy, and I haven't lived long enough to be a credit to the team...'

Spy dragged on his cigarette. 'I said no such things.' He drawled, his French accent as thick as the smoke that filtered from his mouth and nostrils. 'I merely implied that you have much to learn, boy...'

'See? There he goes with the _boy_ again!'

'You are being foolish. Truly you are showing your immature age.'

Scout gaped, looking between Lara and Spy with his fingers pointing in the suited man's direction.

Lara sighed, burying her face in her hands. 'Oh good Lord.' This was going to be more difficult than she had originally anticipated.

Later that night Lara lay quietly on her bed with Blitzer planted firmly at her feet. Finally she had achieved her goal – the men were housed in their new living quarters, and had makeshift beds to sleep upon. Now she felt too tired to move, and so listened to the goings on in the corridor outside. Pyro was mumbling away to Medic;

'Mmmph, mm grmh snipher snah ha fuff.'

'I have no idea as to what you are saying, mein freund.'

'Mm hmm?'

'Why not just take off your mask for one moment?'

'Mmmmnoooo!'

Lara sniggered to herself. _I'll take that as a no_, she thought, as Blitzer buried his head beneath his paws in an attempt to escape from Pyro's distorted protestations.

The two BLUs disappeared down the stairs and Lara listened to their dying footsteps as they joined the group in the living room, directly below her floor. The room exploded into a raucous bout of laughter and almost deafening conversation, causing Lara to heave a sigh from her lungs; normally she would have joined such a group, seeing as she was quite a sociable creature by nature, but convincing Scout to sleep in the same room as Spy had sapped away almost all of her energy. Dear God that boy could argue.

_You are pathetic_, an irritating voice muttered to her from the dark recesses of her mind, one that she could normally ignore. _Absolutely pathetic._

_Hey, shut up. You try handling all of them, then see how well you cope._

_I have. I'm you, remember?_

_Be quiet, mind, I don't have to listen to you._

_Oh, yes you do._

_No I don't._

_Yes you do. I'm watching you, Croft. Always watching._

_Gah, go away you psychopath._

_Look who's talking. By the way, there is someone outside our door. But I, being the clever one, am the only one to realise this._

_Liar._

There was a quiet knock at the door, a simple and unobtrusive sound that still managed to make her jump a little out of her skin. 'Hello?' She asked warily, nervously expecting Scout to pop his head around the door and argue against his living arrangements yet again. Instead it was Sniper who opened the door, his dark and tousled hair unhidden without his hat. His aviators too were missing, meaning that Lara could see his eyes perfectly. _Bested by my brain again. Joy._

'You alright, Sheila?' He asked quietly. 'You've been as quiet as a mute bush baby.' Lara felt her cheeks begin to burn as he spoke, and she covered her face as quickly as she could, acting as though she were merely cradling her head in her hands. 'Yeah, just tired. Didn't sleep too well last night.'

_Liar._

_Shut up, brain._

Sniper leant over to Blitzer and scratched him gently behind the ears. Blitzer's tail wagged back and forth in a flurry of blurred fur and he arched his neck to allow Sniper a better access to his more ticklish spots. 'Y'alright, mate? You like that, don't you?'

'So,' Lara began as Sniper continued to shower Blitzer with affection, 'did you only come up here to pester Blitz, or was there something else?'

He pushed his glasses back up onto the bridge of his nose. 'Nah, just keeping an eye on you sweetheart.'

Her cheeks burnt a bright red underneath her hands.

They fell into a comfortable silence for a few minutes, a time in which Blitzer rolled onto his back so that Sniper could rub his belly. Lara watched this with great interest. 'You know, it took us ages to get him to do that. If we tried he'd bite us.'

'You've just got to know animals, Sheila.'

'Will you stop calling me Sheila?' It was less of a question and more a polite statement.

A thin, patronising grin spread across his face. 'Sheila.'

Lara launched her pillow at his head, but Sniper being a good Sniper, dodged and fled from the room. 'Sniper, you wanker!'


	3. Meet The Parents

Chapter Three

Meet The Parents

_Diary Entry 3._

_Okay. So... I think I fancy Sniper. No big deal. I've had crushes before, lots of them, and they've all faded away, like cream into hot chocolate. This will be no different. I mean, I don't do relationships, and I don't think he does either. He's an assassin, he's got no time for that crap. And me? I'm busy. Busy with my non-existent job. And my non-existent money allows me to go on many fictional and non-existent excursions. Oh, and he's fictional too, and not real, so it wouldn't work._

_So there. Tell me any different brain and I'll just ignore you, because I know I'm right._

_I __know__ that I'm right. End of discussion, good bye._

_Now, to finish off this entry I'm making a list of rules that I have to tell the men. House rules. I need to work them out in here first so that I can then pass them on. These are important rules. Rules to prevent me from being driven to my breaking point. I'm nowhere near that time yet, but I want to prolong it for as long as possible. I know it's delaying the inevitable, but delay it I shall. Just because I can._

_So. The rules..._

_1. No smoking inside the house. Go outside or stick your head out of the window. My parents think I've turned into a chain smoker, and I'm not having it. (I still don't know how they've got the damned things. Do they have a stash or something? Besides, I hate smoking. It stinks.)_

_2. No noise between the hours of five p.m and nine a.m. No noise at all on days when family members are home. (Good thing that it's only really the weekends my family have free.)_

_3. Avoid breaking anything. I can't afford to keep offering money for repairs._

_4. Don't pour rum into the fish tank. The fish don't appreciate it._

_5. Do not cook previously mentioned fish. That means you, Pyro._

_6. No baseball inside the house. (More Scout specific than anything else, but I think I'll extend this rule to all ball games. And board games too, apparently. And Twister. Yikes, I am never letting them play Twister again.)_

_7. No entering mine or my parent's room without my permission. My brother's rooms, well, yeah... go for it._

_8. Whoever has been using my apricot shampoo, please stop. I don't want to resort to sniffing hair in order to discover the culprit._

_9. Do not practice medicine in the bathroom. Or anywhere else in the house, for that matter._

_10. No spying on the neighbours._

_11. No intercepting the postman. The poor bloke's gone grey already._

_12. Do not take pot shots at the pigeons, no matter how amazingly accurate your aim is and regardless of how cool you look doing it. I am sick to the back teeth of the amount of cats gathering in the garden for their birdy buffet._

_13. Do NOT try to make things explode._

_14. Please clean up after yourselves. I feel like the bleeding maid._

_15. Do not feed Blitzer raw bacon. Please. Just no._

_16. No use of firearms, flame-throwers, demolition devices, fists, knives or Jarate in the house._

_17. No cloaking or disguising._

_18. And no stalking the neighbours. None._

_There. I think eighteen rules should be enough for now. I'm can condense some of them, make a shorter list, but for now this should help..._

The explosion made her stop writing in mid-sentence. With a resigned sigh Lara hid her diary down the side of her bed and left her room without disguising her obvious displeasure, stamping her feet into the floor with every step she took. Blitzer had hidden himself in her parents room, and the heads of the loft inhabitants appeared from behind their small door as she stopped at the top of the stairs.

'What the hell was that?' Scout asked, his hat sitting at a jaunty angle on his head. He looked mildly perturbed.

'Not sure,' Lara answered truthfully, 'but I've got an idea... DEMO!'

No answer.

'DEMO! WHY DO I HAVE THE FEELING THAT WAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH YOU?'

Still there was no answer.

'DON'T MAKE ME COME DOWN THERE OR, SO HELP ME GOD, I WILL PUNCH YOU INTO NEXT WEEK!'

Thundering footsteps crashed down below and Heavy soon appeared into view. His wide and anxious eyes found her. 'Lara! Demo blew up kitchen!'

'HE WHAT?' Lara was in the kitchen faster than anyone could blink, leaving Scout, Sniper, Spy and Medic in the dust whilst Heavy followed after her.

'Wow,' Scout sounded impressed as he adjusted his hat, 'she sure can move.'

'Yes, but only when it suits her.' Spy finished, puffing on his cigarette.

Medic rolled his eyes and made his way towards the stairs. 'You know, Herr Spy, you could try to be more polite about our hostess.'

'Make me, bird man.'

'Pardon?'

'You heard me.'

The brewing fight was stopped by Sniper, who placed himself between the two, arms outstretched. 'Now listen, blokes. I know it's been a tough few weeks, but if you don't calm down then I'll be forced to break your teeth and make a necklace out of them. Bushman's rules.'

Medic was the first to back down. 'He is right. We are friends, we should not be fighting like this. But things have been so tense as of late.'

'I know.' Sniper nodded, lowering his arms as Spy also relaxed. 'But we'll sort this mess out. Besides, like you said doc, we've got a cracking host so there's no reason to go as crazy as a boxed kangaroo now, is there?'

Medic sighed sadly. 'I just miss Archimedes.' He left, making his way to the kitchen to dress any injuries that Demoman may have. The group were silent until he was out of earshot. 'Man,' Scout chuckled, 'does he want to marry that bird, or something? Am I right? Yeah?'

Sniper and Spy both looked upon him with a frown.

'Ah... okay then.'

In the kitchen Lara, to her horror, realised that Demo really had blown it up. Mercifully the room was still standing, and the window had remained intact though badly cracked. The rest though... the cabinets hung off the walls and their doors swung from their joints, food was strewn everywhere, and plates and utensils were somehow stuck in the walls. The fridge and the freezer were laying on their sides, their contents spilling out onto the floor in a pool. Instead of a tap there was no a fountain that pooled out across the floor.

The door to the basement was wide open, and from the darkened stairs she could see Engineer, Pyro and Soldier hiding in the shadows. Heavy stood next to the window, scuffing his boot through the dust and splintered wood, and in the corner sat Demoman. He was chuckling, hiccuping, and muttering to himself as though he were the only person in the room with whom he could communicate, and he was so beyond drunk that it should have been illegal.

'What did you do?' Lara demanded, glaring around at the mess with an open mouth as Medic entered the kitchen and stood right behind her.

Demo gazed up at her with bleary eyes. 'Was, just... looking for some drink, darling. Someone... someone put a lock on the door. Nothing too serious though. I got my drink.'

'Nothing too serious? You've blown up my kitchen. It's in bits!'

'Like I said, nothing serious.'

Lara screamed into her hands as Medic gently taking hold of her shoulders to lead her away from the room. 'No,' she pushed him away, 'I've got to fix this. Aw, shit I can't fix this.' She looked at her watch; it was almost five o'clock. 'I definitely can't fix this. Oh shit, shit, bollocks, fuck, shit...'

'Holy Dooley, what happened here?' Sniper had joined them, making his way carefully over the broken and charred debris. Behind him were Spy and Scout, both of who remained in the doorway. Medic turned to speak to them but a knock on the front door made the whole room fall silent, save for Demo's drunken ramblings.

Another knock. 'Lara?' A voice called through the letterbox. 'Lara, are you alright?' It was Mrs. Darwin, the neighbour from across the road. 'Lara? I heard an explosion.'

Lara fled from the kitchen and darted towards the front door. 'Yeah, I'm fine Mrs. Darwin.' She was lying, of course; she was so far away from fine that she was in a completely different time-zone.

'But what was that bang?'

Lara paused as she searched the depths of her imagination for a story. 'Gas leak. Slight explosion.' She winced as she said her thoughts out loud - they had sounded much better in her head.

'A gas leak?' Mrs. Darwin choked. 'Well why are you still in there? Get out here, both you and Blitzer.'

'It's okay. Honest. I'm just tidying up now.' With that she walked away and back towards the kitchen.

'Lara?' Mrs. Darwin called out. 'Lara? Are you sure you're okay, sweetheart? Lara?'

The second sight of the kitchen made Lara go weak at the knees. 'Oh shit. It's worse the second time around.' She stopped to think for a few seconds, though her mind was very unwilling. 'And now I've got to become a convincing liar too. Oh for God's sake...' She leant against the nearest wall and held her head in her hands, unsure of where to start.

The group watched as Demo pushed himself up from the floor, toppled, and got back up again. He was trying to sing something, something that sounded suspiciously like 'Scotland the Brave' but with additional notes and syllables of his own creation. He almost fell on top of Sniper who, in turn, leant him against the cracked counter-top. After a pause Demo began to cackle to himself. 'Well, it doesn't look like a shit-hole in here anymore.'

Lara glared at him with daggers in her eyes. No one was quiet sure how she found the strength, and no one really registered just how quickly she had moved, but they did hear the almighty crack as her fist collided with Demo's chin. Demo tumbled back into his corner where he blinked repeatedly for a few fleeting seconds, but soon he had returned to cackling alone by himself. 'Well, I deserved that.'

'Yeah.' Lara replied with a sharp bite in her tone. 'You did.'

As a distraction from the mounting tension Heavy pushed a cabinet door back into place with his boot, only to have it crumple into pieces when he removed the supporting pressure of his foot. 'Er, that not good.'

'You think, big guy?' Scout chirped. 'Well, seeing as it's already a pile of garbage can I take my bat to it? You know, for fun?'

Lara sighed. 'Sure, whatever.'

'Wait, boy.' Spy held onto the baseball bat as Scout swung it over his shoulder. 'There is someone outside.'

Lara looked up at Spy's words. Sure enough Mrs. Darwin was stood outside and looking in through the window. She had turned as pale as one of her famously pristine sheets, which was interesting because her usually tanned skin now matched her cloud-like hair. The elderly lady waved when she saw that she had caught Lara's eye and she disappeared from sight. 'Great.' Lara hissed. 'This is just what I needed.'

'I don't trust her.' Spy looked back towards the window. 'Don't let her in, no matter what she says.'

'You don't trust anyone, maggot.' Soldier called from the basement.

Mrs. Darwin knocked on the door once more. When Lara did not respond she knocked again. And again. And again. 'I can't do this.' Lara sighed, the weight of her troubles making her breath shudder. 'My parents will be home in about an hour, my brothers in ten minutes. Shit...'

'Look on the bright side,' Engineer offered as he emerged from the basement, 'I heard your mom say that she wanted to redecorate. That will be easier now.'

'I do not think that helps...' Heavy replied as Lara, once again, screamed into her hands.

Demo, meanwhile, continued to chuckle happily to himself in his corner, blissfully unaware of the severity of the trouble that he had caused.

The group stopped in their tracks and Lara fell silent as the almost silent click of an opening door floated through the air. 'Lara? Are you sure you're okay, lovely?' Footsteps creaked in the corridor outside and in no time at all Mrs. Darwin's head had hobbled into view. 'Oh my, it's worse on the inside.'

Soldier bounded up the stairs and emerged between Lara and her elderly neighbour. 'Of course it's worse inside, you old coffin-dodger!' He barked. 'The damage is inside!'

'Oh, please just be quiet.' Medic whispered under his breath.

'I was not talking to you, Doctor Death!'

Through the chaos Mrs. Darwin looked straight through Soldier, and heard nothing of the argument that broke out between him and Medic. She did not see Sniper and Spy try to control the pair of flailing arms, nor did she see Heavy and Scout place bets on who would win. She did not see Engineer and Pyro as they tried to coax Demoman into the basement with a bottle of cider. Lara did.

'Lara? Lara, where are you looking, my lovely?' Mrs Darwin looked over her shoulder, blind to the battle. 'There's nothing there. Oh, you're in shock. Are you sure you're fine? Where's Blitzer?'

'He... He's in my mum and dad's room.'

'Well he's safe, as are you. That is the main thing...'

The front door opened once again and, in an agonizingly slow fashion, Lara's younger twin brothers Nathan and Phil appeared in the doorway. Their eyes grew three times their normal size. 'What the fuck happened?' Phil asked, his bag falling from his shoulder with a thump.

'Where's our kitchen?' Nathan demanded before turning to Mrs. Darwin. 'And what are you doing here?'

Mrs. Darwin rounded on the boys with a cold fury in her eyes. 'Oh, and what about your sister? Oh, but of course, she doesn't matter. So long as you have your bacon and your beer you're happy, aren't you? Well if you must know there was a gas leak. It's a miracle that your sister and your dog survived.'

For once in her life Lara was happy for the intervention of a nosey neighbour. She could just slide on the floor and sit among the charred remains of her once happy and normal existence, and mourn the loss of her kitchen. What would her parents say? Oh Christ, she didn't dare to think of that.

'Oh my, God. What happened?'

Too late.

Lara's mother stood in the doorway of the kitchen, with Nathan and Phil being relegated to the corridor. 'Lara!' She cried upon catching sight of her daughter. 'Oh, sweetheart, are you okay?' Lara had no time to avoid her mother's arms as they pulled her into a vice-like grip. 'Oh my God, are you hurt at all? Oh, let me look at you. Are you burnt? Are you feeling ill? Can you breath? Oh I'm so glad I finished work early...'

'I'm fine mum.' Lara replied with a forced smile, struggling to break free of her mother's arms.

'It was a gas leak.' Mrs. Darwin offered, as though she had sensed Mrs. Croft's next question.

'A gas leak? Oh, but how did it burn like this?' Her mother paused. 'You've been smoking again, haven't you? You can't lie about that now.'

Lara scowled, her eyes darting passed her mother and neighbour and towards the men who continued to fight amongst themselves.

Mrs. Darwin sighed. 'Oh, she's still disorientated. She keeps staring into thin air.'

'Is that bad?' Mrs. Croft asked.

'Well it isn't good.'

Lara found herself being led from the kitchen and into the living room, where she was sat on the settee and fussed over by her mother. Mrs Darwin, who insisted on helping, announced that she knew some men who would fix up their kitchen and make sure there were no more chances of a gas leak. Lara heard this and felt a little part of her curl up into a ball and hide inside her mind – surely these men would discover that there had been no gas leak? But how could she tell the truth? All she knew was that they'd find the remnants of a bomb and that she'd be sentenced for arson or terrorism, as well as obstructing the course of justice with an intricate lie that actually wasn't a lie. Or worse – she'd be sent to a psychiatrist. No one should ever have to go to a psychiatrist.

_Hmm,_ her brain spoke to her quietly, and in a patronising manner that grated on Lara's already frayed nerves, _you are thinking quite clearly for someone who is in some very deep shit. Congratulations._

_Shut up, mind._

_Make me._

_How does brain damage sound to you?_

_It sounds great, actually. Better dead then in your head._

_Hey, no abusive rhymes!_

_You are being spoken to, by the way. Did you know? No, you didn't. You fail. AGAIN._

'Oh dear, she really is not with it.' Mrs. Croft sighed, rubbing her eyes. 'Lara, please, no more smoking. Not only will it give you cancer, but it blows up kitchens too.'

It was all Lara could do to nod.

From the doorway Medic and Heavy stood, watching the scene intently. Medic and Soldier had long since stopped fighting, their battle resolved when Heavy had found some sandwich filler on the floor and had wept for the sad loss. The rest of the group had disappeared into their living areas shortly after, leaving Medic and Heavy alone to keep an eye on Lara.

'What should we do?' Heavy asked, rubbing his chin thoughtfully. 'I cannot help think this is fault of team.'

Medic shook his head. 'No, my friend. It is Demoman and that scheiße that he calls drink. But we can help...'

'How?'

Medic looked up to him with a wicked grin.

'Oh. We practice medicine now?'

'Yes, Heavy. Now.'

The two of them disappeared down the hallway, avoiding Lara's brothers who were emptying any salvageable material out of the kitchen.

Half an hour later Mr. Croft arrived home. Lara was acutely aware of her mother rushing out into the corridor to prevent him from reaching the kitchen, but she was too late. The string of expletives that soon followed were too much for any set of human ears to distinguish.

'Calm down, dear.'

'But what about our kitchen?'

'Mrs. Darwin knows some people who can sort it all out. We just need to ring the insurance company...'

'They won't pay out for this, not if our idiot daughter caused it!'

_Gee,_ Lara thought, _thanks dad. Glad to see you're alive too._

Mrs. Darwin left Lara's side and made her way to the corridor. 'Sorry to bother you both, but you will not need to get your insurance lenders involved. These boys, well, let's just say they owe me a favour.'

There was a pause.

'Are you sure, Mrs. Darwin?' Mrs. Croft asked, though her voice betrayed just how much she hoped for the elderly lady to be speaking the truth.

'Of course I'm sure, dear. I wouldn't say so if I wasn't.'

'Oh thank you!'

Mr. Croft, meanwhile, had made his way into the living room and stood before Lara. Lara dared not look up at him, and instead chose to focus on his tapping foot – a sure sign that her father was very agitated. He breathed heavily, and seemed to try and form words occasionally, until at last he found what he wanted to say. 'What in hell where you doing?'

_All that build up for that? I'm glad I didn't pay for a ticket._

_Shut it, brain._

'I was smoking.' Lara lied through her teeth.

'And why were you smoking?' She noted the forced calm in his tone.

'... Under stress.' That wasn't a lie; how she hadn't died from shock she would never know.

There was an almighty crash from the kitchen followed swiftly by her brother's screaming. 'What was that?' Mr. Croft boomed.

'The cupboard fell off the wall.' Nathan replied.

'About time too.' Phil chipped in. '... Thing was ancient.'

Another crash.

'And that?'

'Not a clue.' The twins shouted back in unison.

_For fuck's sake, Demo. Not again..._

The evening passed in silence for the usually noisy family. They sat together in the living room, as they usually did for dinner, with plates full of fish and chips. Though her parents and her brothers scoffed down their food Lara picked at hers slowly, pushing it around the plate in a semi-amusing fashion. Semi-amusing, of course, if you were depressed and had nothing else with which to entertain your miserable mind.

'Lara, are you alright?' Her mother asked, rubbing a chip into a puddle of vinegar. 'You've hardly touched your food.'

Lara frowned. Oh, she would love to tell them how opposed to alright she was, but they'd never believe her if she did.

'Of course she isn't fine.' Her father interrupted. 'She has no reason to be. She's lucky we don't have to pay for repairs. If we did she'd be paying them.'

'Don't be so harsh...'

'Why shouldn't I be? The past few weeks in this house have been weird, and she has been acting strangely with them. All secretive, she's been. And breaking things...' He paused, turning to gaze upon his only daughter. 'What is wrong with you?'

Lara stared, dumbfounded. 'I haven't broken anything!'

'Oh yes you have.'

Nathan and Phil exchanged looks of amusement and muttered in the other's ears. Lara glared at them, dearly hoping that they'd choke on their food. She didn't want them to die. Just choke.

Blitzer, meanwhile, had hidden himself under the coffee table. A wise move, Lara believed, and one that she wished she could follow.

'So,' her father continued, turning to her mother, 'what time are these guys coming tomorrow?'

'Mrs. Darwin said they'd be here for about midday.'

'Good God, she'll have to let them in... Where are you going?'

Lara stood, and had pushed her plate under the table for Blitzer who wasted no time in eating that which Lara had avoided. As she turned to leave the room her father called after her. 'Answer me, young lady.'

'I'm not a child, dad. Stop treating me like one.'

'Then start acting your age.'

With a well disguised growl Lara left the room and climbed the stairs. Behind her she could hear her mother berate her father ('Oh well done, now she'll never eat anything'), and her brothers break out into fits of laughter.

Lara closed her bedroom door tightly shut before perching herself on the edge of her bed. With a wiggle of her toes and a stretch of her arms she fell back onto the mattress and bed sheets, revelling in the sanity that they held for her. So long as Demo hadn't concealed explosives in the storage boxes below the frame then she would be fine in here. Unless he made her house explode in its entirety, which was not an impossibility. Oddly enough that was not a comforting thought.

A faint scratching and whining at the door made her sit bolt upright. 'Come on, boy.' She breathed, opening the door to let Blitzer in. His muzzle was coated in chip fat and fish batter, but she let him lick her chin none the less. 'Heh, I love you too.' She smiled, ruffling the fur on either side of his face.

It was only a few seconds later that there was a tap on the now open door. 'Mum if that's you I just don't want to talk.'

Mrs. Croft entered the room none the less. 'We need to talk, sweetheart.'

'No we don't. What we need is to stop making me out to be a psychopath.'

'No one thinks you're a psychopath.'

'Dad does.'

'But that's your father. You know what he's like.'

Lara sighed. 'Look, mum. I know you're trying to help. But you can't so don't even try.'

'So there is something wrong?'

_Crap. Me and my big mouth._

Mrs. Croft invited herself onto the bed, and Lara shuffled over to allow her some space. They sat in silence for a few minutes, with the only sound coming from Blitzer when he yawned. 'Sweetheart,' her mother started, 'are you depressed? Is this because you haven't got a job, that you're living with us after you've had your own freedom?'

'What?' Lara scowled. 'It has nothing to do with that.'

'Are you feeling...' She looked as though she were chewing some unsavoury word, '... suicidal?'

'No, but I will be if you mention it again.'

Once more the two of them fell silent. With a nod her mother stood and made her way towards the door, pausing briefly as she passed through the door frame and out of sight, the door closing quietly behind her. Lara let out a long and prolonged breath. 'Finally, some peace. Eh, boy? Just you and me? You don't think I'm crazy, do you? You can see them too. You know the truth.'

Blitzer looked up at her with sad eyes.

'Yeah, I know the feeling. At least you enjoyed the food though, huh?'

The evening turned to night, and slowly the family went to bed. First it was her parents, followed by her brothers. As they went their separate ways they stood outside her door and giggled loudly between them. 'Good night, Phil.'

'Night, Nathan. Hope to see you in the morning.'

'Yeah, hopefully we won't have the house around her heads when we wake up...'

'_If_ we wake up.'

'Good point.'

Lara chose to take the moral high-ground and ignore them.

Once they had gone to bed the house fell into darkness and a deep and deafening silence blanketed the building. Lara lay on her bed wide awake, listening to Blitzer's silent snores and feeling his dream-induced twitches at the back of her legs. At least somebody was well-fed and peaceful, even if she wasn't.

She felt her eyes roam towards the computer and suddenly she had one, completely serious and inspired thought; if she turned on her computer, if she hacked into Steam, could she undo all of this? Could she, in theory, find out what had happened to bring the BLU team here and, by that logic, reverse the effects?

She had never told anyone, but she was actually a very good hacker, and now she wondered if these secretive skills could help her fix this little problem in her life. But then, with a jolt of guilt, she realised that she could not send the BLUs back to their lives of everyday war. It just wasn't fair.

Lara had no idea of how much time had passed from this one thought to the next before there was another knock on the door. She blinked through the darkness, forcing her brain to think and put two and two together. 'Mum, I swear to God... Please just leave me alone.'

The door opened slowly, and Engineer poked his head around the door frame. 'Hey, darlin', how are you holding up?'

'Not another one...'

'Now listen, might not seem like it all the time, but we do care about you. You've been a ray of sunshine in this otherwise cloudy sky of ours. We all think it.'

A pause. 'Thanks, I guess.'

Engineer opened the door wider and let himself into the room. 'Hey, there's something we want you to see.'

'It's not a new kitchen, is it?'

'Well, no.' He chuckled. 'I'm an engineer, not a miracle worker. But it will cheer you up.'

Lara followed Engineer as he led her down into the basement where, to her surprise, she found the whole team with Demoman sat on the floor between them, looking not at all drunk. Instead he looked as high as high could possibly be. 'What's up with him?' Lara asked, pointing in his direction. Medic emerged from one of the many shadows of the basement, with a maniacal grin on his face. 'The answer is simple, Lara. I sedated him.'

'With what?' She asked, waving her hand in front of Demo's face. He gave no visible reaction, he did not even blink, which was more than a little unsettling.

'Oh, just a little concoction of mine. Nothing dangerous. Just powerful. It is something that I have been working on for a while. I believe that I have finally perfected it.'

'W-wait... so how do you know this stuff isn't dangerous if you've only just 'perfected' it?'

'Oh.' Medic replied, sounding pleasantly surprised. 'I guess... I don't. Well, we'll soon find out.'

_Christ_, Lara thought as she closed her eyes, hoping to block out the world if she did, _these guys are going to be the death of me, with or without Demoman._


	4. Womanly Wiles

Chapter Four

Womanly Wiles

_Diary Entry 4._

_So, I woke up this morning, and was feeling much worse for wear. The problem is that I don't even remember getting to bed. All I know is that I woke up, with the sheets pulled over me, and that I was still in the clothes I'd been wearing yesterday. And so, by the process of elimination, I conclude that somebody must have put me to bed (see? I can be smart too). Which means I fell asleep elsewhere (still being smart). Which is not good, because I hate not knowing where I fell to sleep (not smart). I had enough of that while I was at uni, and I like to be in control of where I place my head thank you very much._

_Hang on, let me search my brain. Let's see if I can remember anything. Well, the kitchen. Yeah. I'll try and forget about that. There was Medic, who had drugged up Demo with that crazy, experimental shizz of his. And that's it. That is all that I remember of last night. Oh, and Engineer, bless him, coming to check up on me before I saw Demo on a high. I wish my dad was more like him Medic and Engi, and by that I mean caring enough to want to do something about my problems. Although, by now, I am used to my dad and his snide comments, and the lack of abuse that he gives to my mum and idiot brothers. Hence university. I went away to escape from him. And I saw that it was good._

_Damn him for being my dad. I'm legally obliged to love him._

… _Yeah, I still have no idea on how I got back up here. Wait, I've just found something. Sniper's shades. Oh Christ. Did he bring me up here? Oh God, he would have seen me in all my unconscious, wide-mouthed, snoring, drooling beauty. Shit. I'm sure he's seen scarier stuff before, but anyway, yeah, in short, I'm pretty scary when awake and terrifying when asleep. Poor guy. Well, I can wave goodbye to any chance of... ah forget it. It's not like I had a chance in the first place._

_Oh Lord, it's nearly eleven o'clock. Those fellas will be here soon. Maybe. If they're builders they could take all day to get here. Not going to risk it though. Right, got to go. Bye._

Lara emerged into the kitchen, taking tentative steps over the scratched tiled surface. There were no longer bits of doors on the floor, nor were there remnants of the table and chairs to tread carefully over, but she felt as though any heavier movements would somehow do yet more damage to the already totalled room.

Already in the kitchen were Sniper and Soldier, both of whom had steaming mugs of coffee in their hands. They had obviously used the kettle from the basement as the one from the kitchen was currently sat in the bin outside. Lara was thankful now that she had sneaked them food and drink provisions from the kitchen beforehand; at least she'd actually get to eat something for her exceedingly late breakfast. She was starving.

'G'day, Sheila.' Sniper waved, the brim of his hat obscuring most of his face. Lara forced a smile, and held out his aviators in the palm of her hand. 'Morning. Yours, I believe?'

'Ah, I was wondering where they'd got to. Appreciated.' Without a second thought he casually slid the frames up onto the bridge of his nose.

Lara took advantage of this time to closely examine the scar that rang along the length of his left cheek, starting from his ear and ending on the tip of his nose. It was strange that she found this scar so alluring, and yet she had never bothered to ask him about it. Well, now that she had survived a kitchen explosion, and was feeling a little more brave as a result, she would. 'How did you get that scar, Sniper? I've always wondered.' She traced a finger along her own face to help illustrate her question.

Sniper looked thoughtful for a moment, before casually shrugging his shoulders and taking a gulp of his coffee.

'That wasn't an answer.'

'Was. I don't know, so I shrugged.'

'How can you not know?'

'Because I don't.' He looked at her over the rims of his shades; a warning glance that told her to not further her line of questioning.

'Well,' Lara nodded, taking his hint and quickly changing the subject, 'I'm guessing you took me upstairs last night. So thank you.'

Sniper nodded, with a slight tug of a smile playing at the corner of his lips.

Lara turned to Soldier, who was downing the last of his drink in one mouthful. 'And morning, Soldier.'

'Morning, ma'am. Cup of coffee?'

'Please. I need to wake up before these builders or whatever they are get here.'

'Well, that's why we were waiting for you. We're holding a crisis meeting; we need to be prepared. To fight!'

'No, no fighting...' Lara moaned, but went unheard by Soldier as he ranted about the benefits of smacking people in the face with a shovel. Sniper, however, had heard her and gave her an understanding smile.

Pyro bounded up from the basement after being made aware of Lara's arrival from the commotion that Soldier was creating. They waved at Lara, voiced a muffled 'mmphing', and motioned for the three of them to follow, and follow they did as Soldier continued to rant the entire way down the stairs.

In the basement Lara found Blitzer and the rest of the BLU team. Heavy was playing with the hyperactive pet, twiddling his fingers in the air for Blitzer to chase. Spy and Medic stood not too far away and were consulting some notes laid out on their table. Scout and Engineer, meanwhile, were playing cards whilst Demoman was nursing his head in a corner. They all waved and said good morning to Lara on her arrival, all except for Demo who moaned and hid his head under the nearest available pillow. Well, at least he wasn't dead. That was a good thing, surely?

Pyro sat Lara down on one of the many chairs strewn around the dining table. Over time the basement had not only become the bedroom of the more noisy and bulky of the classes, but also the BLU team's living area too, including their makeshift kitchen and dining area. In the corner stood a small camping stove on which Pyro busied themselves with some bacon and a tin of beans.

As Lara made herself comfortable in her seat both Spy and Medic acknowledged the woman who had joined their table. 'Ah, Lara,' Medic began, smiling broadly, 'it is good to see you are awake and well.'

Lara felt her eyebrow arch. Suddenly, it all fitted together; her late start this morning, her loss of memory, Medic looking smug with himself – as though one of his 'procedures' had gone very well. 'What did you do to me, Medic?'

'Nothing, my dear. Nothing.' He smiled, though the laugh that followed was an uncomfortable one.

Lara's mouth thinned in disbelief, but she remained silent none the less.

The two men invited themselves to sit down and pushed the notes in her general direction. Spy smirked, chewing on the tip of his cigarette. 'Here - a list.'

'Of what?'

'Reasons why we should not trust this neighbour of yours, ma petite.'

'Oh come off it guys,' Lara argued as Sniper and Soldier took their seats next to her, 'she's harmless.'

Spy scowled beneath his balaclava. 'Then why has she suddenly shown so much interest in this house?'

'Because she's a nosey old women. Most people in this village are.'

'Non, she has shown an increasing amount of interest in this house over the passed few weeks. We need to be wary of this woman.'

Lara turned to Soldier. 'You're right, he really doesn't trust anyone.'

Soldier nodded, his helmet bobbing atop his head.

'For your information, Lara,' Spy spoke haughtily, 'I _do_ trust my team. I also trust you. I do not trust your family, as they seem to be the type of people who would sooner stab you in the back...'

Scout looked over his cards. 'Like you, then?'

A quiet chuckle reverberated around the room.

'I physically stab people in the back, yes, but in the interests of this conversation I am using the phrase metaphorically.'

Scout pulled a face and returned to his cards.

'If I may continue,' Spy cleared his throat, 'it is true that I do not trust people immediately. They must earn my trust, which you have Lara. Your neighbour, however; she acts suspiciously. She knows something.'

Soldier yawned. 'I thought this was a crisis meeting, not a Who's Who of Spy's paranoid mind.'

'It is a crisis meeting, you undersized dwarf!' The Frenchman replied, with a voice much louder than his usual softly spoken tone. 'I fear that she knows something of us.'

'But why would she?' Engineer asked, his gaze remaining solely on his cards. 'She can't see us, or hear us; we are as much air to her as the oxygen she breathes.'

Spy massaged the bridge of his nose, clearly aware that his argument was getting him nowhere fast.

Pyro emerged from the corner with a plate full of food and a mug of hot coffee, depositing them swiftly before Lara. 'Enjuf, Lavah. Ni cuffed fuh fachan howf oo likef ift.'

'Er, I have no idea what you said, but thanks Pyro.' She smiled.

Pyro gave her a thumbs up, made a cheerful sound, and took their seat across from her.

As Lara tucked in to the simple but delicious meal Demoman joined them at the table, his hand shakily carrying an oversized mug of black coffee. Medic smiled lightly, rolling his eyes. 'Oh, don't be such a baby. It was only a light sedative.'

Lara looked up from her food in disbelief and watched as Demo winced at the sound of his own uneasy and croaky voice. 'Whatever,' he began, dismissing Medic with a wave of his hand before turning to Lara, 'I owe you an apology, sweetheart. Sorry for blowing up your kitchen.'

Lara blinked incredulously. 'Er, thanks.'

'Nah, I mean it. I am sorry. I just wanted a drink, and somebody had locked up the booze cupboard...'

'Yeah,' Lara interrupted, 'me.'

'Oh right. Well, I am sorry.'

Lara forced a smile. 'It's fine.' _Liar_. 'At least you apologised.'

The remaining BLUs joined the table, and Blitzer hid himself amongst their legs. Heavy was the last to sit, and everyone watched as his seat buckled and moaned under his weight. He looked towards Medic, and Medic looked back to him, both smiling brightly as they observed the other with adoration in their eyes. Lara had noticed this, the BLU team had not. It was probably for the best too, as Lara had become aware that she was the only one to realise that they had feelings for one other.

Scout tossed his ball casually in the air and rested his feet upon the table. 'So come on then, guys. What are we here for?'

Spy stood and circled the table, much like a shark circles its food. 'You have all heard. Do not pretend to be clueless, boy.' He caught the ball as Scout once gain tossed it into the air.

'Frickin' unbelievable...'

'I know. Hard to believe that such a kindly looking old lady could potentially create so much trouble.' Spy replied, deliberately ignoring the true reason for Scout's outburst.

'So, hang on mate,' Sniper began, pushing his hat out of his face, 'I think I'm following where this conversation is headed. You think we should do something about this old bag?'

Lara felt her stomach plummet through her toes.

'Absolutely.' Spy replied, nodding towards his team mate. 'I believe we should do something about her, for she is not only a threat to everyone in this room but she has also commited crimes against fashion!' Spy carefully took hold of one of the lapels on his jacket, and waved a wagging finger accusingly in the air.

'Crimes against fashion?' Sniper repeated, almost spitting out the words with a thinly disguised contempt. 'What has that got to do with anything?'

'Believe me, mon amis, if you seen that which my own eyes have seen then you too would believe that she deserves to be punished.'

Lara cast her eyes upon the list, reading through every point with haste until she found that which she had been looking for. She read it aloud; 'The suspect continues to darken the dignity of fashion, both through outer and inner wear...' Her voice trailed off into silence.

'And?' Spy remarked, sensing that Lara was far from finished.

'You spied on her in her underwear?'

Scout, Heavy and Soldier tried to conceal their sudden bout of hysterical giggles.

'I did not mean to.' Spy defended himself. 'I just happened to catch her in...' He shuddered. 'But I digress. Though...' His voice broke off, and he tilted his head to Lara with a sneer. 'If we are to insist on speaking of undergarments then you should really consider enhancing your own wardrobe, ma petite. Your mother has far better taste in lingerie than you, it seems.'

If Lara's jaw had not been attached to her face then it would have hit the table. She didn't know what to find more offensive; was it that he'd seen her underwear, or was it because he had seen those that belonged to her thinner and more attractive mother?

Sniper scowled, his arms quickly folding across his chest. 'That's no way to treat a lady, Spook.'

Spy smirked. 'I was merely checking for any damaging items of clothing. I saw enough. At a later date I will help Lara to find more flattering outfits than those jeans and, oh what are they called? Oh yes, hoodies.'

'She's fine the way she is.' The assassin frowned with a displeased curl of the lip.

'This coming from a man with a similar misunderstanding of culture and refinement.'

'Don't need that fancy piss to know how to kill a man.'

Lara hid her face as Sniper defended her honour. She knew that her cheeks were burning as bright as a red traffic light under her fingers, and she scanned the room for a distraction to allow time for her cheeks to return to their usual pale pink. All eyes were on Sniper and Spy – all except for those of Heavy and Medic, that is. Instead their eyes were gazing into each others, almost wistfully. Lara smiled at them, eventually catching their attention. For a moment they both looked terrified, until at last Lara gave them a well-meaning wink and a toothy grin. They relaxed then, nodded in thanks, and returned to their eye-based love game. Lara felt for them; of course they'd be worried about their very secret relationship being discovered - the game had been based in the 1960s after all, and that stuff had been illegal back then. Suddenly she wondered whether they were aware that they could be a couple now. Maybe she would have to mention that to them later, when the rest of the team were not around. Or maybe not. The modern world may be open to it, but the BLUs may not be that way inclined.

'Ahem.' Engineer cleared his throat, gathering everyone's attention. 'Sorry to interrupt, folks, but shouldn't we be discussing the more pressing matter of these workmen?'

Spy nodded, briefly smirking in Sniper's direction before turning to look at his comrades. 'But of course. I propose a plan, if you are willing to agree to it, Lara.'

Lara raised a wary eyebrow. 'And just what is this plan?'

'Oh, nothing difficult, just a reconnaissance mission. If you would try to retrieve some answers from these men, about their connections to your troublesome neighbour, then I can make the appropriate notes and research them accordingly.'

'What kind of questions?'

'The type that will inform us as to how much both they and she know.'

'Er, okay?'

Spy returned to his seat, twiddling Scout's baseball in his hand. 'If you begin to struggle with the men, ma petite, then I recommend that you use your womanly wiles.'

'What womanly wiles?' Came the resounding chorus from Lara and the BLU team. Only Sniper had not spoken, choosing to remain silent and stare out from underneath his hat with a scowl lining his lips.

Spy frowned, deep in thought. 'Ah, oui. I had not thought about that. Well, just do the best that you can.'

Meanwhile Blitzer had worked his way through the forest of legs and had disappeared up the stairs, howling and barking the whole way. Lara instinctively knew that the howls were aimed at the door.

'Perfect timing.' Engineer smiled as he also realised why the dog was calling. 'Good luck, darlin'.'

'Hang on,' Lara suddenly panicked, 'what about you guys? What are you going to do?'

Scout sat up in his seat. 'Well, for starters, I'm going to finish your breakfast.'

Pyro smacked Scout on the back of his head.

'Okay, I'll leave it.' He turned to Lara. 'We'll keep it safe. I'm sure the fiery maniac here can warm it up for you later.'

'Thaft ish ift ai donuft fryf oo phirshf.' Pyro had lifted the plate from the table, and was pointing at Scout with an unwavering finger.

'Hey, could you repeat that? I missed it because I just remembered how awesome I am.'

Pyro stood, the eyeless mask focusing solely on Scout. Somehow the whole room knew that whatever hid underneath that protective suit was giving Scout the most deadliest of glares.

Scout gulped. 'Heh heh, did I say how awesome _I _am? I meant how awesome _you_ are. You, you loveable, faceless, flame-retardent asbestos bug, you.'

Pyro seemed to chuckle, leaving the table to find a safe spot for the rest of Lara's food.

Blitzer continued to bark, prompting Lara to leave her seat. 'Wish me luck.' She said, sounding thoroughly under-confidant of herself.

'Luck.' The room resounded. Pyro muffled, giving Lara a thumbs up.

Blitzer was scratching at the front door when she found him. Through the tinted glass she could see Mrs. Darwin's head pressed up against the door, gazing in. The woman waved when she could just make out Lara's figure approach the window. Using the key that she always stashed inside her sock Lara unlocked the door and was met by the bright, chipper and currently bespectacled face of her neighbour. 'Good afternoon, Lara. I was beginning to think that you were still in bed.' Her face suddenly fell sombre. 'How are you feeling today?'

'Hungry.' Lara replied, feeling just how tender her stomach was. She bitterly regretted not finishing her breakfast.

'Well, that is much better than dead.' Her neighbour smiled before turning to signal someone who was out of sight.

From the driveway appeared a group of men, all of whom were dressed in overalls, and all of who looked like people that you would not want to meet in a dark alley. The only member of the group who didn't look like a psychopath was a man with scruffy black hair. Instead he just looked upon Lara with disdain before his green eyes darted passed her and into the house.

'Well,' Lara began, 'come on in. Sorry about the mess.' She turned to lead them towards the kitchen and found Sniper sat on the stairs behind her, listening intently to every word. Lara scowled, mouthed _'what are you doing?' _and led the group down the corridor. The last man to enter the house was the black haired man, who shut the door behind him and cast his gaze around the questionable interior design.

Once they were safely in the kitchen, and the workmen had begun to make their initial assessments, Sniper sidled up behind Lara and spoke into her ear. 'In answer to your question I'm keeping an eye on you, Sheila.'

She looked up at him, craning her neck to see his face. It was times like this that she was reminded of just how tall he was, and just how short she was in comparison.

'Lara,' Mrs. Darwin spoke softly, 'what are you looking at?'

'Nothing.' Lara replied, still looking up into Sniper's face. 'Just having a look at that interesting stain in the ceiling.'

'There's no stain there.'

'Yeah there is. You just need to look hard enough.'

Sniper smirked. 'She thinks you're mad.'

'And you're not helping.'

Mrs. Darwin blinked. 'What was that, dear?'

'Nothing.'

Spy, who had been stood in the basement doorway the entire time, cradled his forehead in his fingertips. 'Merde.' He breathed. 'Sniper, do not interrupt the lady whilst she is working.'

'I'm not interrupting.' He smirked. 'I'm assisting.'

'You could have fooled me.' The sarcastic drawl in his voice was unmissable. He turned to Lara. 'Well, what are you waiting for? Interrogate the threat.'

_Which one? _Lara thought. _To you all of these people are a threat._

With uncertain steps, and a string of forced coughs, Lara worked her way around the group. She tried to make conversation with the strangers whilst crudely, and ineffectively, batting her eyelashes at them. Spy held his head in his hands at the sight and Sniper chuckled, but as every new attempt grew ever more fruitless, Lara knew that there was one thing that would work in her favour; her ample, attention-grabbing and buxom chest. She never revealed her figure to the world, choosing instead to hide it beneath baggy clothes, but for once she would break her steadfast habit. It was for the team, after all. And she wanted to be a team player.

With a struggle she freed herself from the hoodie and pulled it over her head to reveal her body fitting vest top. 'Sorry,' she spoke softly as one of the workmen glanced over in her direction, 'just getting really hot.' Lara pulled at the ends of her vest, tugging the wide neck lower and lower until, at last, there was very little left to the imagination as her cleavage threatened to overspill the tight material.

Every male eye in the room focused in on Lara's new arrivals. From the corner of her eye Lara could see Sniper and Spy and the looks on their faces made her want to laugh; Sniper's eyes had widened to three times their size, and Spy simply stared, slack-jawed and looking most undignified. 'Magnifique...'

'Holy dooley.'

_Oh yeah, this is going to be easy._

Mrs. Darwin, meanwhile, was assessing the damaged kitchen for herself, and had remained oblivious to all that occurred around her. Lost deep in her thoughts, she was surprised to find Lara surrounded by workers when she rejoined the world of conscious thought. 'What are you men doing to the poor girl? Don't you think she's been through enough? Oh stop eye-balling her. That means you. And you. No, don't think I didn't see that. She has a face, and it isn't there.'

'It's alright, Mrs. Darwin.' Lara smiled. 'They're not bothering me. Honest.'

'Well if they do then just you tell me, lovely.' She made her way towards the door. 'I just need to go home for a few minutes and make a phone call. Won't be long.' With that she left.

_Lara's time to shine_, her mind cooed, _do us proud, kiddo. Go out there and kick some ass with those womanly wiles._

_Will do, me, will do._

Lara turned to the nearest man, the shortest of the group and the most in line with her chest. 'So, have you found out where the gas leak was?'

'Huh?' He replied, still gawking at Lara's assets.

'You know, gas leak. Big boom. Reason why you're here?'

'Nah,' he slurred, 'here because she told us to.'

_Geez, that WAS easy. _'But why? Why do what she says? You guys work for another company, surely?'

'Work for her. Just for now.'

'Huh.' She spoke plainly, trying to keep a conversational tone and avoid arousing suspicion, though she had the feeling that this would be the last thing that she would arouse given the circumstances. 'Never knew she had her own business. Sneaky. Mind you, around here, you need to keep your business to yourself or else everybody else will know it.'

'Yeah. She said that too.'

'So, are you fellas going to check for where the explosion started?'

'Nah, don't need to check it. Just here to fix the kitchen.'

Lara briefly glanced towards Spy, intrigued as to what his reaction would be. Yet she did not find him making notes (mental or otherwise) but rather drooling, his gaze unwavering from the area of her chest. _Typical bloody male. Never reliable when you need them to be. _She looked over her shoulder to find Sniper, to see if he was being more attentive, but found nothing but an empty space and a smoke-stained wall. _Great. Now I am buggered._

As time passed the workmen went about their business, replacing cabinets with oddly fitting substitutes, re-tiling the walls and floor, and repainting the walls and installing new, albeit temporary, appliances. The kitchen itself would take days, maybe weeks, to be put back into a state of normality.

Mrs. Darwin returned much later, bringing with her enough food to feed a small army and stocked up the fridge and the freezer whilst pointing out each purchase to Lara with great detail. 'That one is low in saturated fats and calories. It's very good for you. Oh, and these sausages? The most fresh sausages that the meat counter had.'

'Thanks Mrs. Darwin. You didn't have to, you know.'

'Oh shush. We have to look after our neighbours; especially when they need you the most.'

Lara smiled with genuine thanks. The usually secretive old woman wasn't so bad, even if she was nosey. 'Well, Mrs. Darwin, if you ever need a favour...'

'I know, you'll be there. But sometimes, Lara, I do believe that you help others more than they help you.'

Lara blinked. _What?_

'Just an observation I've made over the years. Nothing to look so startled about.' The older lady's eyes bore into Lara's with a intensity that she found to be quite unsettling. It was like she was staring straight through her skull and into her mind. Lara squirmed at the uncomfortable intrusion of her personal space. 'Just be careful that, when you do help someone, you're not being taken for a ride, lovely. A nice girl like you can be ruined in bad company.' She smiled. 'Oh, but we don't want the conversation to go down this route, so we? We want the happy talk, not the depressing one.' She turned away, her attention returning to the food.

Lara frowned at her neighbour's back. What exactly had she meant by her words? Who was she referring to? Her family? Blitzer? Her friends? The people at the job centre? Or... No, she couldn't know, could she? She turned to look in Spy's direction, and was very happy to see that he was, at last, paying attention. He held his chin in his hand as he thought, his eyes darting between Lara and her neighbour. Finally they came to rest on Lara. His eyebrows arched briefly, a simple gesture that told her he was currently trying to put two and two together. She did not quite know why, but she guessed that he hadn't made two in this equation.

As Lara's eyes turned back to her neighbour, who was currently berating one of the workers for being too slow, she found the eyes of another. The black haired man scowled at her from behind the door on which he was working, but his chilling gaze returned to his work when he realised that Lara was looking straight at him.

She couldn't quite put her finger on it, but there was something amiss with that man and her neighbour. Spy had been right; they needed to be wary.


	5. Ho Ho Homeboys

Author's note: Why hello there, everyone :) . This is just a quick update before the Christmas bonanza (though this is sort of Christmas themed too); I wanted to get a little of the important stuff out of the way with before we get to the fluff filled chapter, plus it is Christmas, so think of this as an early present XD . Before the actual... Christmas... present...

Yeah...

Enjoy! I know it seems a little rushed, but I hope that doesn't ruin it too much :) .

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Chapter Five

Ho Ho Homeboys

_Diary Entry 5._

_I am so furious right now. My family are going abroad for Christmas. Abroad. For. Christmas. And they wanted me to go with them. And where did they want to go? Florida. Florida isn't Christmas-sy at all. It's warm, for starters. And sunny. Don't get me wrong, I like warm, and I like sunny, but at Christmas you should be at home with your loved ones, not swanning about on a beach whilst some half-naked prick ogles every attractive woman that walks on by. Shall I write down the conversation that I had with my parents? Nah, I'll just get really angry. But maybe that's a good thing. Then I can observe it for future reference whenever I need a reminder of just how incredibly thoughtless my family can sometimes be. I mean, staying at home to decorate the tree, to eat a ridiculously filling meal around the table, to watch crappy TV specials and go around the village singing Christmas carols... it's tradition. It's all tradition. What happened to that, eh? It got chucked out of the window the moment mum got a promotion and we began to live the high life. What a difference a year makes._

_Anyway, the conversation went something like this;_

_Mum: "Oh, but you love Florida. Wouldn't it be nice to go again this year?"_

_Me: "At Christmas? No thanks. Whatever happened to our family fun?"_

_Mum: "But we will be having family fun."_

_Me: "In the company of strangers. Oh, and we'd have to eat our Christmas dinner with them in the hotel too. Really classy."_

_Dad: "Don't speak to your mother like that, young lady."_

_Mum: "Like how, exactly?"_

_Dad: "Like you are speaking to me."_

_Mum: "But you'll be on your own if you don't come along. Grandma and grandad are going too, as are Aunt Lil and Uncle Paul."_

_Me: "I'll manage. Besides, what about Blitzer? We'd have to leave him in some awful boarding kennel. You know he hates those places." _

_Dad: "He'd manage."_

_Me: "No he wouldn't. He's getting on now, he needs us to be around."_

_Mum: "But Lara, after all of the stress you've been under, and after the kitchen incident..."_

_Dad: "Actually, let's leave her here. She'll probably try to blow up the plane."_

_Mum: "Neville, please..."_

_Me: "What is your problem, eh? Why do you constantly need to take the piss out of me, and not in a good way either?"_

_Dad: "Because you don't do anything to deserve otherwise."_

_Mum: "Neville!"_

_Dad: "Shut up, Chloe."_

_Me: "Don't you dare talk to mum like that. You know what? Even in I had wanted to go, I would have never gone with you, dad. I'd rather be lonely then have to spend a minute in your company."_

_And that's where that conversation ended. Obviously, my mind filled in any blanks. I can't be 100% accurate after all._

_They all leave tomorrow, for three weeks. They're back just after the new year. Hope they enjoy it. They probably will, just because I won't be there. Besides, I won't be alone; I have Blitzer, and I have the BLUs. I couldn't be alone, even if I wanted to be._

_It won't be Christmas without the family though. But with the way dad has been this entire year then I suppose I should be glad of it._

_Should be. But I'm not._

Lara basked in the moonlight that shone through the kitchen window. She sat by herself with her arms on the breakfast table, her head cradled within them. It had been a month now since the kitchen had been finished, and Lara had to admit that she was quite fond of the new décor already. Today, however, she was not sat here to admire the handiwork. She just wanted to be alone.

Her family had left for the airport an hour ago and she had been awake for as long as they had. She had been listening intently to their every move and their every sound, wondering whether or not she should get up and say goodbye to them all. Before they had left, however, her mother had crept silently in to her room and had, whilst Lara feigned sleep, planted a kiss on her cheek. She left a note on her bedside table, telling her to stay safe and to keep warm, that the family loved her very much and that they would ring her when they got to their hotel. Lara left it on her bed when she had finished reading it.

Her Christmas presents were in a bag in the living room, the same living room that, had it been any previous year, would now have been beautifully decorated with tinsel, garlands and lights. The tree would have been standing in the corner, tall and bright and unashamedly proud. But not this year. Without her family then what was the point? Even Blitzer had left her, choosing to spend his time in the basement where he could lay atop Heavy's snoring chest. She sighed, her body deflating. _Worst Christmas ever._

_You got that right._

_I don't need you to give me this shit right now._

_I'm not. I completely agree; this is rubbish. Complete and utter dross._

Early morning turned into the first dawning light, and yet Lara remained in her chair, her position unchanging. She was too deeply lost in her numbed state of disbelief and dread that she did not even notice Medic as he made his quiet way into the room, a book held tightly in his hand. His eyebrow rose in surprise when his eyes fell on her pitiful looking form.

"Lara?"

No answer.

"Lara? Can you hear me?"

"What?" Came the muffled, monotone response.

"What are you doing out of bed, and in this chill? You will catch a cold."

Lara finally lifted her head from her arms, and Medic was alarmed to see that her eyes were badly bloodshot.

"Mein liebchen, what is wrong?" He took the seat next to her, swiftly depositing himself upon the plush cushion with a grace that was unbecoming to a man with badly dishevelled morning hair.

Lara paused, her mind slow to think. "Have you ever felt as though you're fighting a huge army whilst climbing the steepest hill imaginable?"

"Yes."

"Well, I feel that." She sighed. "I just don't know what to do, Medic. I have no job, my family think I'm useless and now my dad hates my guts. I don't even know why. I'm running out of money very quickly. Life is... life is shit."

Medic lay a hand on her shoulder. "And of course, there is Herr Sniper."

Lara froze.

"Yes, Lara, I have noticed."

Medic lay the book upon the table; Lara's copy of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. He had recently taken a deep interest in the series and had perused them relentlessly, reading and re-reading them time and time again. He smiled upon the book fondly, before turning to look at Lara with the same unwavering smile. "I would have liked to have been in Ravenclaw."

Lara forced a smile. Even in the light of the dull morning sun Lara could not deny that Medic was an unashamedly and devilishly handsome man. Like George Clooney, but German. Even his seemingly unnatural amount of teeth did not ruin his face. He wasn't Lara's type, but even she had to admit that Heavy was a lucky, lucky man.

But now his smile faded, and his face changed from one of mirth to one of concern. "You have feelings for Sniper."

A pause. "Is it that obvious?"

"To me, yes, and Spy also. Everyone else, Sniper included, remains clueless. Though I suspect that Engineer has made an educated guess..."

Lara moaned into her arms.

"Are you experiencing the depression that comes with unrequited love?"

Lara thought for a moment. Sudden images of Sniper flashed before her eyes, pictures of her dream from the night before. It had been a nice dream, until the end...

_It was a completely white room, filled with a bright and almost encompassing light. But as bright as the light was it wasn't blinding. There was nothing in the this room, nothing except for the two people sat in the middle of the unending whiteness. Lara was knelt on her knees, and Sniper lay with his head resting in her lap. They talked for what seemed to be hours, about anything and everything, until they had at last fallen comfortably silent, content to just be in each other's company. Lara had spent a great deal looking at Sniper's face during her waking hours, but she had never seen him look relaxed before now. His well sculpted features were working together to form a peaceful expression, and his eyes, those beautiful bluest of blue eyes, gazed back up at her with a happy sheen. His hair was, as usual, slicked back, and his stubble was pleasantly rough beneath her fingertips as she stroked his cheek. She suddenly realised that his skin was far more tanned than she had originally thought when compared with her own pale shade. Gently her fingers began to trace his scar, a simple action that made a crooked-toothed smile grow on his face._

"_Hey, Sheila." He spoke suddenly, breaking the peace with the sharp crack of his voice. "You realise this is just a dream, right?"_

_Lara smiled sadly. "Yeah, of course I do." Her face brightened. "But it's a nice dream though."_

"_Yeah. It is. But you'll have to wake up soon."_

"_Damn." She forced a laugh. "Well, you'll be there when I wake up."_

"_Don't bet on it."_

_Lara froze. "What?"_

_Dream Sniper pushed himself up into a sitting position, his back to her. "You know men aren't reliable. You know that better than most. Why would I be any different?"_

"_Because you're you." She sounded so pathetic..._

"_Lara, darlin', I have never shown the slightest interest in you. You need to wake up."_

And so she did.

Medic was patiently waiting for Lara to break free of her daydream. When she did he smiled kindly, and listened to her intently as she retold him the story of her dream. "So then," Medic sighed, "you are feeling the depression that accompanies unrequited love. And that is what is bothering you the most, but you have been pushing it aside and have used your other problems to try and escape from it." He could not have been more right if he had tried to be.

"Lara," Medic continued as he leant his body towards her, "listen, this is very important. You need to talk to him. If you do not, well, you will destroy yourself with the uncertainty."

"Uncertainty of what?"

"Of whether he feels the same way about you."

"Sounds too difficult to me."

"It is not philosophy, dearest."

"No, it's rocket science."

Lara watched as Medic suppressed a sigh. She knew that her behaviour was probably testing his patience, but he smiled nonetheless whist gently massaging his temple. "It is not as difficult as that. Lara, if Heavy and I can find the bravery to be together then surely you can find the courage to talk to Sniper about his feelings."

"Couldn't you do it. For me?"

Medic chuckled. "No."

_Fuck._

"It is something you must do for yourself."

"Please, Medic. I implore you. Please? Just try and get it out of him? I don't do subtle, and I really don't do rejection all that well either."

Medic raised his eyebrows.

"Don't look at me like that. I really don't want to explain it."

"Well, I have a plan, mein liebchen. I will find out for myself just how Sniper feels about you, but in return I would like you to do something for me."

Lara looked up at him with an endearing gaze. "What? What is it? I'll do anything. I'll even offer myself up for medical examinations..."

"Ach, nein! I only experiment on members of the RED team, and my own if they have been causing trouble. No, what I ask of you is companionship."

"But you have Heavy..."

"Not for my weekly astronomy sessions. No, it seems that no matter who I ask they are always too busy to sit with me under the stars, too preoccupied with their own plans to discover the mysteries of the universe."

Lara smiled. It'd be fun to stargaze with Medic; a real treat, considering he had become one of the best friends she could ever hope to have. "Sure. I'll do that with you. Besides, it doesn't hurt to be a little bit more educated."

"And..."

Lara coughed. "There's a second part?"

"Ja."

She rested her head in her hand. "And what is it?"

"Please would you trim this house with Christmas decorations? It looks very uninviting; very un-seasonal."

Lara grimaced, unable to hide her loathing for the idea. Medic simply smiled cheerfully, hopefully, and nodded encouragingly. "Why?" She asked. "What's the point if my family aren't here?"

"I understand that you did not want to leave your home for Christmas, Lara. But that does not mean that you should suffer as a result of another's actions. You should enjoy yourself too."

"I'd rather be miserable."

Medic saw straight through this most defensive of lies, but he said nothing. Already his mind was scheming away, plotting and planning a cunning surprise for his little lady friend.

With a squeak of her chair, Lara stood and stretched a little. "Don't forget, I'm going to the job centre later, and then I'll be out and about to give people my CV. I don't know what time I'll be back. But..." She smiled at him as she began to leave. "I'm looking forward to our little stargazing sessions. Ciao."

"Danke."

Hours later, just after Lara had left for the job centre, the BLU team mounted a full scale search of the house for the elusive Christmas decorations. Medic orchestrated the event, making an inventory of each room that they searched. So far they had only found a box of old tinsel (that had been coated in some kind of slimy material) and a drawer full of faulty fairy lights that had almost electrocuted Scout. The decorations were not, as many would suppose, stashed safely away in the attic, nor were they in the basement. No one but Lara knew where they were, and she was not likely to tell them anytime soon.

The group had convened in the living room after searching the house from top to bottom. Admittedly it was a large house, and one in which there were many hiding places for rarely used items, but they were nine men strong and they still had not found anything positive in their venture.

"Well, so far this has been a complete and utter failure." Medic sighed. He had removed his glasses, and was massaging his eyes whilst Heavy sat next to him and patted him gently on the back. Sniper and Scout sat next to each other on the second sofa, and rolled their eyes. "This is bullshit, man." Scout moaned, kicking out his feet as they relaxed on the only footstool that had, thus far, survived Heavy's clumsy movements. Soldier, Engineer and Pyro sat on the floor and looked over the inventory list whilst Spy and Demoman leant against the open windowsill and puffed on cigarettes.

"There's gotta be something here." Engineer said, scratching at his head in mild bewilderment. "I mean, what kind of house hides decorations this well?"

"You'd be surprised, mon amis." Spy answered from the window.

"This is a bloody load of piss." Sniper growled. "If Lara doesn't want to do the house up then I say we shouldn't."

"Here here." Scout chirped, shortly before his stomach rumbled loudly. "Man, I'm hungry."

Heavy quickly jumped out of his seat, knocking Medic flying across the room in an impressive cartwheel. Somehow, with a cat-like elegance, Medic landed on his feet and turned to look up and over his shoulder at Heavy. "You dummkoph, be careful."

Heavy looked to his feet in shame.

"Heavy?"

He looked up in time to see Medic wink at him.

Heavy smiled. "I go and make sandwich buffet!"

As Heavy vanished out of sight, and his loud footsteps continued to pound the unfortunate floor, Scout began to flick through a magazine that he had found down the side of the sofa. "Well that was weird."

Medic stood, brushed himself clean, and turned to Sniper. "If you would only take time to notice, Sniper, you would realise that Lara _does_ want to celebrate Christmas, and that she does want to see the decorations brightening up the house..." The doctor broke off, his voice trailing into the whimsical as familiar scents and sounds filtered through his mind. "And the house will smell like fresh Christmas strudel, and the fireplace will be alive with the dancing crack of the warm fire whilst we toast marshmallows and drink hot chocolate and..."

"Doc, you're rambling." Sniper, now standing, slapped their physician in the arm.

"Huh?" Medic broke out of his stare, and blinked. What had he been doing? His mind had become blank, but her knew that he had been thinking of something; something unsettlingly familiar...

"What in Hale's name were you talking about, mate?" Sniper asked, removing his hat so that only his shades remained to subdue the look of confusion in his eyes.

Medic looked up to the taller man, clearly confused. "Why? What did I say?"

Sniper blinked. "You mean you don't remember?"

"Remember what, my friend?"

"Just... you were talking about marshmallows and hot chocolate. That isn't like you at all."

Demoman turned to look at Medic. "Are you feeling alright, doc? You don't need some of those fancy pants medicines of yours, do you?"

Medic frowned as he tried to remember whatever it was that he had seen, what he had heard.

Spy had finished his cigarette and re-joined the group. "Perhaps we should leave the good doctor alone, and instead focus on finding the decorations?"

"Capital idea." Engineer smiled.

Pyro and Engineer stood, still consorting the list. "Hey," Soldier barked from the floor, "did anyone think of the garage?"

The room fell silent.

"Shit." Scout sighed, covering his face with the magazine.

It seemed so obvious now.

The boxes of decorations were in the garage but, in a flash, the boxes were inside the house and quickly unpacked. It was with great regret, however, that the team discovered that the tree was not a real one. "My grandmother's false teeth looked more realistic than that sorry excuse for a pine." Soldier grunted, his arms folded tightly across his chest. "I refuse to touch it."

"Yoompfh notsh on yurf omphf." Pyro nodded in agreement.

Heavy bent over, examining the plastic pine needles with a pained expression. "This not good tree. Better tree outside. Real tree."

"Where outside, exactly?" Engineer asked.

"Very back of yard. Is small tree, but not too small for room."

Medic smiled. "Well, as it is at the back of Lara's garden, I see no harm in using it."

"Whoa, whoa, hold on." Scout interrupted. "What about Blitzer's feet, man? If he gets needles in them..."

"Then I can get them out, can't I?" Medic smiled knowingly.

"I guess..."

"Pyro! Bring you're axe." Medic smiled, almost evilly, as he headed for the front door. "We are going to chop down a tree. Heavy, I need you."

Heavy plodded along behind Medic like a faithful old hound and Pyro chased after them, the three of them disappearing from sight. Spy, well-aware that he could now take charge of the operation, clapped his hands and summoned his remaining team mates together. "Well, as Medic has abandoned his post then I shall take charge. I shall be master decorator..."

"Who died and made you queen?" Sniper frowned as he threw his hat and shades to one side.

"That is enough out of you. For that you can have the most boring and frustrating of Christmas time jobs; you can untangle the lights."

"Oh come on, you wanker!"

"And you can find any blown fuses too."

Sniper growled, but resigned himself to his fate and sat with the box of lights on his knee.

"Yes," Spy purred to himself, "with my sense of style, and the manual labour of you men, this house will be transformed into a beautiful and festive haven in almost no time at all."

Yet his vision for a well-organised and classically beautiful Christmas did not go according to plan. Engineer wound tinsel around every picture frame he could find, Scout made paper chains with the magazine that he had found, and Demoman took empty sticky bomb shells and coated them in glitter, sticking them in various places around the house. Engineer, who had soon finished his own job, helped Sniper in untangling the lights, and Soldier hung baubles from various points in the ceiling which, considering his small stature, was quite a sight to behold.

Medic, Pyro and Heavy returned with the tree, and upon first sighting of the newly decorated room Medic gasped and smiled with the widest smile he had ever used. "It's beautiful!"

Spy sighed from the corner in which he sat. "It's ugly. It's uncoordinated. It's..."

"Perfect, Spy! Perfect! Quick, the tree. We must add the tree, before Lara gets home."

Soldier, who had been standing on his tip toes atop the bookshelf to stick up more baubles, smiled despite himself. "Operation Tinsel Town is almost at an end!"

"Operation what now?" Came a voice from the doorway. Lara had returned home, and her eyes widened when she saw the multitude of colours in every nook and cranny. "Guys..." Her voice trailed into silence. "It's, it's..."

"Awful?" Spy offered.

"Beautiful." Her face lit up into a bright smile.

"Bah, there is no accounting for taste with you people..." Spy went unheard as the rest of his time, plus Lara, began to decorate the tree together. Eventually, even Spy joined in, though his sets of coordinated baubles clashed horribly with the overall lack of a theme.

It seemed, that day, that all Lara had needed was a little cheering up, and as the group settled down for the evening, all of them sitting together in the living room to relax, they had achieved their goal.

But from across the street, hidden in an alley, watched an unwavering pair of eyes that assessed the group's every move. Looking through the sight of a scope, the shaded figure of a man stood, and spoke quietly through a phone. "I've found them. Now what?"

A woman's voice crackled over the line. "For now just leave them. Let them enjoy their limited time on this earth."

"What about the girl?"

"What girl?"

"It seems they're living with some girl. Pretty cosy get up, they've got there. Must have been here a while."

"I'll get our agent on it. He can find out more about her; who she is, and what they could possibly want from her."

"You don't need him, ma'am. You've got me. I found them, I should finish this."

"You forget, sometimes, that you are part of a team. Now make a note of the location and head back to base. Do not disappoint me."

"Yes ma'am."


	6. Tidings Of Conflict And Joy

Author's Note: Ho, Ho, Ho! Merry Smissmass! Enjoy your Christmas present from me, before Ol' Nick comes to whisk you away. Me? I'll be hiding in this closet here, hoping that he doesn't find me. I'll be fine in there. I have my laptop, mains power, food and mulled wine. I'm sorted XD .

Now that the Christmas fluff is out of the way, it's on to the serious stuff. Hold on to your hats for... drum roll, please... _THE RETURN OF THE PLOTLINE!_

Oh, and thank you Valve for the fairy lights in the maps. I'm loving Dustbowl right now XD . Very sandy Santa chic.

**...**

**..**

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Chapter Six

Tidings Of Conflict And Joy

_Diary entry 6_

_I'm going Christmas shopping. With the BLUs. All of them. 'Nuff said..._

_If I don't survive this, tell Blitzer that he can eat all of my shoes._

Ah, the many woes of public transportation. Trains were fine, but buses? The overcrowded, joyless, coma-inducing and bone-shaking buses? No, just no, and especially no when the BLU team were your travel buddies. Lara had previously thought that getting them safely to the bus stop was a bad enough dream, but getting them all to fit on the bus was a nightmare; invisible men, traveling on a busy bus, and clustered together around a now very squashed Lara did not a good journey make. It was like the never ending journey into hell.  
>"Right guys, I can't afford loads so don't go mental. It's Secret Santa, remember? Ten pounds only." She spoke quietly into her currently switched off phone. Lara had decided it safer to seem as though she were talking to a friend on her mobile, rather than run the risk of people thinking that she was insane. Talking to thin air had a tendency to give off the appearance of craziness.<br>Spy scoffed, somehow keeping balance as the bus swerved sharply around a parked car. "And what could I possibly buy with ten of your ugly British pounds?" Spy scoffed.  
>"A gag." Sniper replied as he squirmed himself into a more comfortable position. "Besides, don't you Frenchies have to share that new currency with…" He paused, a wicked grin lining his face. "Spain?"<br>"Shut it, Bushman." Spy glared. No one knew why, even Spy himself, but the Frenchman truly hated Spain.  
>"Guys..." Lara almost growled. "Seriously. It's Christmas Eve, and we're going shopping. My stress levels are at an all time high as it is. Don't start." She turned to Sniper. "Besides, the Euro isn't new." She smirked. "But it is shit."<br>Sniper smirked. "Atta girl, Sheila."  
>Before they knew it the bus had pulled into the local town's bus station. Lara was carried from the bus amid a wave of arms and legs, and was barely able to utter a quick thank you to the bus driver as they disembarked and headed in the direction of the station exit.<p>

The town was busy, so busy in fact that Lara wondered what the nearest city would be like on this most festive and late of yearly shopping events. She also wondered whether or not she had the ability to keep the team together in such crowded conditions. And then she realized something - something that chilled her straight to the core and made her heart beat faster through fear; the German market was in town this Christmas Eve. The crowds would be phenomenal.  
><em>Shit<em>, she thought, _why didn't we come yesterday? Oh yeah, now I remember, Pyro melded their suit to a chair..._  
>Medic, meanwhile, had found the poster advertising the market posted in a shop window. He stopped to read it. "Authentic German market? Ach, the only authentic thing they will have would be the frozen bratwurst."<br>"Why frozen?" Soldier asked as the group moved on, following Lara down a crowded side street.  
>"Have you not felt the temperature, my friend? It is freezing."<br>"I don't feel anything." He genuinely didn't. Everyone around him, including the BLUs, were wearing thick coats, scarves, hats and gloves. Soldier wore his usual ensemble, minus the helmet because Pyro too had melted it down whilst accidentally affixing themselves to the chair.  
>Demo chuckled to himself. "It must be brain damage from the amount of times you've landed on your head, rocket hoppin'."<br>Soldier smirked, but threw an offensive gesture in Demo's direction none the less.  
>The market loomed into sight, and was so busy that Lara almost had a heart attack when she laid eyes on it. "Guys, there is no way we are staying together in this crowd."<br>"Perhaps that's a good thing?" Engineer offered, casting his gaze around the various stalls. He smiled happily. "I mean, Secret Santa is supposed to be secret. If we stick together then we'll know who it was that bought our present."  
>"Good point." Lara nodded. "Okay, then we'll split up. Meet back here in an hour, okay? But first..." The team seemed to cheer before they quickly vanished into the crowds.<br>Lara blinked as they all disappeared into the crowds, wondering just how the team were planning to buy things considering that she had not yet given them any money. Plus, they were invisible to everyone else, so how could they pay? Even she hadn't thought of that until now. Actually, this whole Secret Santa idea had just been a sudden, last minute plan that Engineer and Scout had whipped up only a few hours ago.  
><em>They'll just nick the stuff<em>. She thought. _Dear God, I should have just bought the stuff for them... _With a sigh and a smile she put away her phone and, just like the BLUs, melded into the crowd to begin her epic quest for a Christmas present.  
>Slowly each BLU realized that they needed money and came to find Lara to take it away. Well, all apart from Spy who never came to collect his. Lara supposed that he'd be up to his usual standards, and was probably swiping items from the stalls right now. With a sigh she pushed her way onwards, to find a present for her randomly chosen friend; Medic.<br>Lara had an idea of what she wanted to get him. Something Harry Potter like. He'd love that. It would also be obvious who bought it for him, but she didn't care. As she cast her eyes this way and that for a present she found Heavy stood by a food stall and eating all of the free samples of food. The poor vendor was left perplexed everytime he went to put out a fresh batch of samples, only to find that the one before had suddenly vanished. Despite her immediate scorn Lara found herself smiling widely as she walked away. Time ebbed quite quickly, and before she knew it the end of the hour was looming. Resigned to the fact that she would probably have to buy him those comedy plasters that she had seen earlier Lara turned the corner in the hope that something excellent would pop up and wave in her face. It did, but it wasn't a present.  
>"Ma petite, you look hassled." Spy spoke plainly, though he enjoyed watching Lara jump almost ten feet in the air.<br>"Spy," she replied, not bothering to speak into her phone, "you gave me a fucking heart attack."  
>Passers by frowned in Lara's direction, some even chuckled.<br>"And now people think I'm insane. Great."  
>"Perhaps you are..." Spy joked. He checked his pulse. "No, I am most certainly real."<br>Lara pulled out her phone and put it against her ear. "Walk with me."  
>They followed the crowd, Lara continuing her search whilst Spy happily preoccupied himself by examining those that walked passed him.<p>

"You never came for your money, by the way." Lara spoke, shooting a glance in his direction.  
>"I did. You just did not notice."<br>"You what?"  
>"Well I have not had the chance to use my cloaking device in a while."<br>"You...? Never mind. Did you get your present?"  
>"Yes. It is in my pocket. I simply took the item and left the money on the counter."<br>Lara smiled in relief.  
>Spy tilted himself forward as they walked, his eyes scanning her from top to bottom. "You have no present."<br>"No shit, Sherlock."  
>"You have not been able to find anything?"<br>She sighed. "No. Not yet..." She lifted her head, and there it was. The perfect present for Medic.  
>A blue and silver, striped scarf. His very own Ravenclaw scarf, sans Ravenclaw badge of course.<br>"There..." She pointed before scurrying over towards the stand that sold it. "Hey, excuse me." She called to the vendor. "How much is that scarf, please?"  
>The vendor followed where Lara pointed. "It's twelve pounds, sweetheart."<br>Lara's heart sank. "Twelve? Could you settle for ten?"  
>"Afraid not."<br>"Oh please, I really need that scarf." She pleaded. Wait, why was Spy sneaking up behind him...?  
>"Like I said, afraid not..." The vendor's voice broke as Spy whispered something into their ear. Slowly the vendor turned to find only thin air, but Lara saw the malicious grin that spread to either side of the balaclava bearing head.<br>The vendor gulped, turning back to her. "Ten is fine."  
>As Lara and Spy headed back to the meeting place, purchases in bag and pocket, she turned to look up at her French friend. "What did you say to them exactly?"<br>Spy's gaze remained ahead of him, but the cruel curl of her lips told her all she needed to know. "Nothing that you need to know, ma petite. Nothing that you need to know."

That evening Lara and Medic sat outside in the frosty garden, both wrapped up in the darkness and the warmest clothes that they had. It was lucky that Lara had, a few weeks ago now, bought the team new clothes from a local charity shop, otherwise Medic would currently be very cold indeed. There were some, however, that did not really appreciate the donations of clothing, with some being Pyro and Spy. Pyro never, never, never left the confines of their suit, and Spy would rather die than be seen in anything other than superior tailoring. The other BLUs, however, did appreciate the clothing. Particularly Sniper, Lara had noticed, who had seemed quite taken by the plaid shirts. At least _he_ liked them...  
>Lara sighed despite herself, unaware of where her subconscious thoughts had taken her. "Ah," Medic smiled gently as he spied on the stars through his telescope, "the sigh of a lady in love."<br>Lara frowned. "Sorry. Went off on one again, didn't I?"  
>"Ja."<br>"Sorry."  
>Medic moved his face away from the spy glass, stretching his back a little as he did. "You do not have to keep apologizing, Lara. You have done nothing to apologize for."<br>"But I was being distracted. Again."  
>Medic took hold of a large flask and poured warm tea from inside it and out into a cup. "It happens to the best of us, mein liebchen. Do not dwell on it. It does no good to think on how others will feel about your emotions." He handed Lara the cup.<br>"Thanks." She replied, and she wasn't just referring to the tea.  
>And Medic knew it.<br>They sat in silence whilst Medic poured his own tea. From the house they could hear the rabble of noise that could only be associated with a party that was in full swing. Medic and Lara had decided though that they had wanted a little peace and quiet (because Lord knows they would not get any tomorrow) and so had come outside for their third stargazing session this week. Lara had not expected to, but she really loved these sessions. She knew that she wouldn't hate them, but adoring them had never really been on her mind. Besides, it was peaceful.

Medic took a long sip of his tea. Satisfied with his lot he smacked his lips and sighed with content. "I will not lie, Lara." He began, relaxing back against the rock that lay behind him. "I have not been this happy in such a long time. None of us have. Our days before, in that game, they were full of misery and constant death. We had no reason to be cheerful." He breathed heavily through his nose, as though the mere memories were enough to make him extremely uncomfortable. "I know we are not real, that we are fictional beings, but all of this feels real enough for me to never want to lose it."

Lara smiled sadly, and gently took hold of Medic's hand to give it a gentle rub. "But you guys are real, even if you are only visible to me. You're still real. What you do impacts on the lives of others, remember?"

Medic looked to his feet. "I did not quite mean that, but yes you do have a good point."

"Well what did you mean?" Lara asked, confused.

"Never mind, my dear." Medic looked towards her with a forced but kindly smile. "It does not matter. What matters now is that we have found a true friend in you. A true friend in a true world."

"Medic…"

A loud chortling broke Lara's heartfelt response. Behind them Demoman was stumbling around in the shadows, as full of alcohol as his once empty bottle had been. "Hey, you… you guys… gotta… come here. You'll love…" He hiccupped suddenly, stumbling in surprise as he did. "Love it." With a quick glimpse from one to the other, Medic and Lara smiled and helped Demoman back inside the house.

The BLU team had gathered together in the living room, all crowded around something in the centre of the ring they had formed. As Lara and Medic deposited Demoman safely into the nearest seat she noticed that there were two people missing from the group. Lara guessed that it was Sniper and Spy who had drawn their friend's attention, and as she pushed her way between Heavy and Soldier she knew that she was right.

Both men were fighting on the floor, tangled between fairy lights that blinked in fear at being involved in the confrontation. There were words passed between them that Lara couldn't understand; some were in French, others in the thickest Australian accent that Lara had ever heard Sniper utter. She still had no idea what they were arguing about when Sniper threw the final punch that sent Spy almost flying across the room.

Sniper stood, brushing himself free of the lights. His hat on the floor, and his glasses gone, everyone could see the cold fury that burnt brightly behind those intense eyes. Lara felt a shiver run down her spine, one that was both pleasant and utterly terrifying simultaneously.

As Spy began to push himself up from the floor Sniper toward over him. With a low growl he began to speak, his voice the most sterling example of controlled fury. "This is just getting started, mate. It's your choice whether it continues."

"Aw, did it hurt when I said that? Did it?" Spy stared to chuckle, but his chuckling soon turned into crazed laughter that only added to Sniper's already pressurised rage.

"Shut your mouth, now."

"No worries, mate." Spy mocked, copying Sniper's voice and accent perfectly.

Sniper roared, lifting Spy from the floor and pinning him against the wall in one, smooth swoop. "You fucking, frog-faced wanker! I'll…" He lifted his fist back, ready to strike.

Spy flinched, the BLU team froze on the spot, and Blitzer, who had been hiding in a corner, scurried out of the room. Only Lara reacted, running to Sniper's side. "Sniper, no." She said loudly, but with a deliberate calm. She rested a hand on his arm and instantly felt his muscles go from tense to relaxed under her fingertips. The corners of his eyes found her and he dropped Spy unceremoniously onto the floor. With a grunt he turned and stormed away from the room, stamping his feet as he climbed up the stairs.

Lara waited until she heard the loft door slam before she rounded on Spy. "What in hell was that about?"

"Nothing." Spy lied as he stood up, pushing creases out of his suit. "I merely said…"

Engineer cleared his throat loudly. "That isn't for a young lady to know."

"Come on, Engi." Lara sighed. "I'm not a child."

"Nah, your life is too complicated as it is, kid. You don't need anything else to make it more confusing." He replied, though not unkindly.

With a roll of her eyes Lara turned to leave. "Well, I'm going to go and see how he is."

"Lara, you sure that's a good idea?" Scout asked, looking rather worried. "The guy freakin' flipped. He might turn on you…"

"And if he does then I'll just kick him in the nuts. Simple." She beamed, albeit fakely, before making her way up the stairs quietly. The living room broke out into confused and excited chatter as Lara reached the attic stairs and ascended, tapping on the door as she reached it.

"Sniper?" She asked, forcing herself to keep her voice level and steady. "You okay?"

No answer.

"Come on, I'll come in anyway." She pressed down on the handle, making the door open with a creak. "Sniper?"

The loft was cold and dark, and not at all Christmassy. Sniper stood by the open skylight, the moonlight highlighting his face. A smoking cigarette hung loosely from his mouth, and he blew out clouds of smoke that encompassed his head. Lara joined Sniper by his side, her nose crinkling at the smell of the smoke. Thinking of something, anything to say, Lara's mind took her to the most pungent thing that came to her mind. The smoke. That God awful smoke.

"Smoking's bad for your health." Lara coughed, trying to lighten the mood.

"Stressed." Well, so much for that theory.

Lara supressed the sigh that she wanted to utter. "What happened Sniper? You're normally so calm. You're normally the one who breaks up fights not the one that gets in them."

"Not talking about it."

"A problem shared is a problem…"

"Doubled! It's a problem doubled!" He snapped, turning to her with thinned eyes as he snuffed out the last embers of his cigarette on the roof outside.

Lara must have flinched because he turned back to his window, muttering a quiet apology.

The two of them fell silent for what seemed like minutes. Lara looked about her at the room that Sniper, Medic, Spy and Scout called their own and realised that, compared to the others, Sniper's own personal space was slightly lacking in personalised touches. Each space was separated by boxes and old curtains, and each bay contained things that were special to their owners, but Sniper had only a few jars of piss concealed beneath his bed, accompanied by his rifle and kukri. Medic, Spy and Scout had much, much more.

"Having a good gander there, are you?" Sniper's voice made Lara jump a little, and when she turned to look at him she found him to be intensely annoyed.

"Look, I'll go if you want. Just say the word."

"Go." He glared. It felt like he had run her through with the kukri.

Lara turned slowly on her heel and shuffled to the open door. Her hand reached out for the handle, but, with sudden swift steps, Sniper's hand was on the door and closing it tightly shut.

"Well make up your mind."

"Stay." That one word terrified Lara beyond all belief. He had sounded so desperate. It was unlike him to be so needy.

"Wow, Spy really must have done a number on you…"

He sighed. "Just… Stop. Stop talking." He sounded pained. "I just want some company."

Sniper's idea of company quickly became apparent. He sat silently on his bed whilst Lara sat behind him. Their backs were close but untouching, and no words were passed between them. You could have cut the atmosphere with a knife. In the silence, however, Lara found something to do; she listened to Sniper's breathing. She heard how controlled it was. Too controlled. Now that was really uncomfortable.

A sudden, quick intake of breath brought Lara back to her senses. Sniper fell quiet again soon after but Lara, no longer content with the silence, opened her mouth to speak. "You do realise that you can talk to people, you know? We're your friends; if there's something bugging you then why not tell us? We can help."

A pause. "Don't need help."

Lara rolled her eyes and turned her attention to Sniper's space, as plain and boring as it was. "Why do you have so little stuff? Compared to everyone else, I mean."

"I don't need a lot of stuff. It just clutters up the place."

"But don't you want a few extra flourishes to feel more at home?"

"But I'm not at home, am I? How can I be? I haven't got my van."

"Is that it? Is your lack of a van bothering you?"

Behind her Sniper rolled on to his back, lying straight and flat on his bed. Lara marvelled at just how long his legs were. _So long…_ She thought. _Long and toned. Even better. Shame he hides them behind those stupid trousers._

_Hush. I'm admiring._

_Careful you don't get caught then. _

_Shit, you're right. Avert the eyes._

_Good plan. _

"What are you staring at my legs for? You crazy bitch."

_Too late. _"Just… just…" Lara stammered, trying to think of an excuse. She blushed, though in the dark you couldn't really tell. "Well, to tell you the truth, I was looking at how long your legs are."

Sniper raised an eyebrow. "Right." He replied shortly before glaring up at the sloped ceiling.

The awkward tension of the moment forced Lara to change the conversation, though she dearly wanted to remain on the subject of his legs; namely, whether he'd care to take his trousers off, though purely for comfort reasons, after all. She didn't want him to be uncomfortable. Instead she turned to her watch, and squinted to see the time. "It's midnight." She stated simply, turning to look at him. "Merry Christmas."

"Same to you." He paused, examining her. "Sheila, you realise you're still wearing your coat and gloves, right?"

"What?" Lara looked down at herself. She _was_ still wearing everything. "Oops."

"Get them off." He growled. "Don't need them in this place." He rolled onto his side, facing away from her. "When you're done then help yourself to the little space there is left on this piss-poor bed."

She felt her heart stop. Was he…? Nah, couldn't be. Could he?

"If you're in here then the others are less likely to come marching in. I really don't want to see them tonight."

_Oh chuff. There I was getting excited again._

Lara did as she was told, choosing not to argue when Sniper was obviously pissed off. Besides if she stuck around then maybe, just maybe… But it was better to not get her hopes up. With her coat and gloves folded up neatly, Lara joined Sniper on the bed, lying so she faced his back. After a long pause, Sniper looked a little over his shoulder. "You want to talk or something?" He sounded awkward and uncomfortable.

"Not unless you want to."

A grunt. "Good. I don't. Goodnight."

"Wait. You will help me out if a spider crawls on me, won't you?"

"We'll see."

And that was that, Lara lay awake for a while, simply staring into Sniper's back. In her mind she was cursing him, cursing everything, just because she couldn't think of anything else with which to vent her anger. And then the cold crept in, and she began to shiver. Sniper seemed to have fallen asleep, or so she had thought. As she shuddered more and more with the growing cold Sniper quietly and softly shifted so that he could take off his outdoor vest. With care he laid it over her, making sure that it was tucked in around her, before he returned to his original position. "Night, Sheila." He whispered. Did he think that she was asleep? Nah, he was a Sniper, a tracker. He'd know whether she was asleep or not.

But Lara did not reply. Instead she smiled and snuggled into the warm remnants of Sniper's body heat that emanated from the vest. He was so toasty. Nice and toasty.

She closed her eyes lightly, and curled up into a small ball. She listened to the sounds of Sniper's breathing and the slight breeze outside that whistled in through the open window. Funny; Lara would normally be paranoid about leaving it open, but right now she just could not care less. With a yawn she felt herself slipping away and her imagination took her to places that it could freely roam. In her mind she saw Sniper as he unbuttoned his shirt, and Lara lay on the bed, waiting patiently for him to turn to her, with that roguish grin spread across his face…

The next morning was filled with the trill of birdsong from the frosty trees outside, and the gentle sound of laughter that wafted up the stairs and into the loft. Lara stirred, shifting slightly in the cold. As she opened her eyes, expecting to see her room, she remembered that she was lying on Sniper's bed instead. With a rush of adrenaline she turned to find him, only to be disappointed when he wasn't there. His vest was gone too, leaving her in only the clothes that she wore yesterday. With a prolonged moan she buried her face into the pillow and closed her eyes. It smelt like him. It also smelt like apricot shampoo. "Dammit Sniper, it's you that's using my shampoo?" She said, breathing in more of his musky male smell than she had intended. It had the most relaxing effect on her, and she fell back into a conscious state of what only could be described as half-sleep; she knew where she was and what was going on around her, but her body seemingly slept.

The next thing she knew was that Pyro's be-masked face was in her field of vision. They were shaking her excitedly by the shoulder, and mumbling the usual string of incoherent and muffled words. They sounded excited. "Pyro? What? What's going on, where's the fire?"  
>Pyro chortled, obviously thinking that Lara was making joke. They shook her again before mumbling "Mervy cisshmash." Merry Christmas. She understood that at least.<br>"And merry Christmas to you too, buddy." She smiled, blinking herself awake. She sat up and swung her legs off of the bed, and sat perfectly still to allow a yawn some better room to escape.

Pyro didn't wait for Lara much longer. Taking hold of her hand, they led her out of the room and down to the living room. The BLU team were waiting for her, and chorused a festive greeting when they caught their first glimpse of her. "Thanks guys, you too." She smiled as she took a seat next to Scout.

Scout's vision turned towards the tree, and his hands rubbed greedily together. "So, can we open the presents now?"  
>"If it keeps you quiet." Spy sighed, like a resigned parent who had been pestered a little too often.<br>"Fuck yeah!" He cried, leaping from his seat and kneeling beneath the tree. He threw presents aside until he found his own, and before anyone could register it he had torn open the wrappings, leaving only the present in his hands. It was a tiny table top game; a miniature version of a baseball pitch. "Cool." He smiled calmly, trying to make himself look cool in front of his older peers. Inside, however, he was jumping up and down excitedly.

Demoman went next. With a slow hand and bleary eyes he found his present in the pile that Scout had thrown aside. Roughly opening it, he found a small collection of French miniature liquors. "Hey, thanks." He turned to look at the group with a smile. Spy craned his neck to look upon the labels and seemed to nod approvingly.

Soldier had found his present before anyone else had the chance to find theirs. He tore open the paper and found a brand new copy of Sun Tzu's _The Art Of War_. Soldier smirked, laughing as he did. "Somebody knows that my copy was destroyed by the REDs. There are only two of you who knew that." He looked towards Engineer and Pyro in turn. Both men shrugged, one of them feigning ignorance.

Engineer was next. He chuckled when, after gently unwrapping his present, a single and solitary tool kit dropped into his lap. "Aw, now look at that. Now I can actually fix stuff and not feel guilty about borrowing tools from other people. Thanks fellas. Much obliged."

Pyro, meanwhile, had begun to open their present. Inside were some scented candles and in-scripted into the wax were the words _'flames for a fire starter._' Pyro clapped, muffling through their mask and giving everybody a thumbs up.

Heavy picked up two presents, passing one to Medic. Lara recognised the wrapping straight away as her own, and her heart stopped as Medic began to unwrap the gift. She hoped beyond hope that he liked it. The smile on his face told her that he did as he wrapped it around his neck. "Ravenclaw. I have a Ravenclaw scarf!" He cried happily before shooting a quick glance in Lara's direction. He mouthed a voiceless thank you before turning to see what Heavy had got. Heavy was hugging onto a large cuddly bear, smiling broadly. "I will name you Boris."

Sniper smirked at the scene unfurling before his eyes, his smile turning to a frown only when Spy offered him his own gift. With a swipe Sniper took it from him and began to open it with dexterous fingers. Inside were a new set of leather fingerless gloves, and the sight of them made Sniper smile broadly. "Cheers to the mate that bought them." He said, trying them on for size. They fitted perfectly.

Spy had opened his present whilst Sniper tried his on. Inside there was a Swiss army knife, with a note attached that read _'ín case you ever lose your old faithful friend._'

Lara's present was last, and as she opened it everybody watched. The gift was immaculately wrapped, and inside was a beautiful necklace that held an intricate and decorative teardrop, with gold lining the flowing design within. "It's beautiful. Thank you." She looked up to the group, trying to see if anybody had revealed themselves to be the giver. No one betrayed any telling behaviour.

As Lara opened her presents from family and friends the group settled into loud and excited chatter and, eventually, even Sniper and Spy began to talk. Whatever the reason for their fall out was, it was completely forgotten when Lara cracked out the mulled wine and shortbread.

It wasn't quite Christmas dinner, but it would do. At least, she thought it would until she saw the huge turkey cooking in the oven whilst she scoured the kitchen for some biscuits. "Where in hell did that come from?" She asked, turning to find Sniper and Pyro as they emerged from the basement with yet more food. Sniper smirked. "We, er, liberated it from the shop."

"You mean you stole it."

"Basically."

"Dear Lord…"

Spy emerged from the basement, followed closely by Demoman. They carried with them arms full of beer, wine and spirits, and carefully deposited them on the kitchen table. "Well, ma petite," Spy said with a stretch of his back, "I suppose you will not be wanting the money that we have also got for you."

Lara's ears pricked. "Money?" She liked money.

"You remember, of course, the time that you told us about the bank taking your money? Without your permission?"

"Yes." She did remember.

"Well, we all took the liberty of taking your money back. And with interest added to it…"

"You robbed a bank!" Lara fell against the wall, almost fainting.

"We reclaimed. We did not rob." Spy wrinkled his nose. "Only low-life, second class halfwits rob banks."

Lara pushed herself back up onto her feet and massaged her temples. "And how much money did you… redeem?"

"Five thousand pounds." Sniper replied, looking smug.

This time Lara really did faint.

But, aside from the fainting, Lara enjoyed the rest of her Christmas with the BLUs. The dinner that Sniper and Pyro made was fantastic, and the gang spent the rest of the day in peace and joy. Well, they did, until Demo blew up half of the garden anyway.

Good times. Very good times.


	7. The Sign Of Things To Come

Author's Note: Hello, everyone! I'm really, really sorry that this has taken a while to be put up. I've been busy with my novel, and trying to work on my other fanfictions. Lousy excuse, I know, but life quite literally got in the way. Anywho, I'll be editing the original chapters now, and they'll be uploaded with the bext chapter :) .

Anywho, enjoy this delayed chapter. And happy new year everyone!

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Chapter Seven

The Sign of Things to Come

_Diary entry 7_

_I'm in love with Sniper. Shit._

"So, why are we here again?" Lara asked as she followed Spy's quickly retreating back through the crowds. "Because it seems to me like we're just walking around in circles. Repeatedly."

Christmas had long since passed, and the new year was no longer the new year; everyone had become rather bored of it, if the truth must be told, and so to liven up their lives Lara, Sniper and Spy had travelled into the big city.

Lara had the redeemed money, totalling thousands, safely stashed away in several different purses. Spy had not said why they were here, but she was under the impression that Sniper probably knew the answer; he had, after all, been giving Spy a deadly glare for the whole duration of the train journey and he continued to do so even now.

Spy slowed to look through windows and examine prices. "Hm, he purred, "not expensive enough."  
>"What?" Lara nearly choked. "Expensive? What do you mean by expensive? I don't want expensive - hey get back here!" She ran after him as he moved away again, her arms pumping beside her body as a rather useless speed-inducing aid; she had abandoned the phone-speech trick a while ago now. People thought she was crazy anyway, so why not humour them?<p>

Sniper, meanwhile, had hung back as a way of calming himself down. He hated shopping, and he knew Lara did too, but the damned spook would hear nothing of it. He had literally dragged the poor woman from her house whilst she was fixing her laptop. Sniper had followed so that she could have some more level-headed company. Well, that was one reason.

A tall and blonde thin streak of a woman passed him by, and he turned to watch her go. He had to admit that he thought she was very attractive, but he liked his women with more meat on their bones.

Lara, however, had seen his wandering gaze and she felt her heart plunge through her stomach and down into her knees. She had grown increasingly aware that her crush on Sniper had turned into full-blown love, but as far as she was concerned he had no interest in her whatsoever. Why would he? Why, when he could go for a women who was much taller, much more skinny, and much more beautiful? Why would he ever look at her in the way he looked at other women? She had noticed all of his his passing glances as leggy wonders strode on by, their hair flicking to and fro as they walked. It made her feel physically sick, not to mention depressed. What was worse was that she saw him _every_day; she never had respite from her hurt pride and stomped-on emotions.

This love thing, it was over-rated.

She was broken from her dark thoughts when Spy roughly pulled her inside a shop. Sniper frowned and quickly followed after her, but once inside the shop he deeply regretted it; it was an alien world, a world where there was far too much tailoring, too many items of ladies clothing. It was the sort of place that could give a man a heart attack - well, a sane man, anyway. Not one like Spy.

"Spy?" He began, croaking slightly. "What the bloody hell are we doing in here?"

"I said before that I would help Lara find more suitable clothing." Spy replied as though it were the most obvious thing in the world. "We are doing that now."

Lara raised an eyebrow. "I didn't volunteer for this."

"That is because you would not have agreed if I had asked."

"God's sake..."

Much to Lara's dismay a shop assistant had sidled up behind her. "Good morning, madam. How are you today? Oh, such lovely hair; we can find clothes that will help to accentuate that further. Follow me, follow me..."

Lara cast Spy a dark look as she was dragged away to look at shirts.

Sniper and Spy stood in a corner, watching as Lara was dragged out in new outfits for the whole shop to see. Each time Spy would giver her a thumbs up or a thumbs down depending on what he thought, and each time Lara looked at him with increasingly murderous glances. Sniper had leant himself against the shop window and, like Lara, glared at the Frenchman from underneath his slouch hat. "Why are you doing this, Spy? She's alright the way she is."

"Yes, well, you would think that, bushman."

Sniper bared his teeth.

"Oh please. Your animal-like tendencies do not scare me. Besides, why I should I let that poor woman become as uncouth as your... _fine _self? It would be cruel and insensitive for me to not do her this favour." He observed Sniper from the corner of his eye, a malicious grin growing on his lips. "After all, does she not deserve better than a man who believes pissing in jars is normal?"

"If you don't watch your mouth then said piss will be all over your fancy suit, you bloody great piker."

"Touchy, aren't we?" He smiled in triumph. "And to think, you believe you actually have a chance with her. Non, mon amis. Hell will freeze over before..." Spy's voice broke as he realised that he had overstepped a boundary. Sniper was looking straight at his face, hate and sadness burning brightly in his eyes. The Australian's hand's were shaking, clenching around the windowsill that he clung onto. His lip had curled, bearing a small but dangerous amount of cracked teeth.

"Er..."

"Spain."

Spy's scream was enough to topple Lara from the stool on which she stood as a dress was being altered to her length. She fell atop the shop assistant, who then went on to swear profusely as she crawled out from underneath the stunned young woman.

The trio left the shop quickly after that, Lara's face burning bright from embarrassment and her arms full of bags of clothes. She would not normally buy these pretentious pieces of _'body based art'_, as the sales assistant had put them, but she had felt guilty about crushing the poor woman half to death. _Guilt purchases_, she thought bitterly as the warm air stung her burning cheeks, _the worst kind of purchase imaginable._

Hours passed as they walked around more shops, buying more clothes and spending more money that Lara did not want to part with. Sniper and Spy said nothing to one another, creating a tense atmosphere that Lara had tried to distance herself from. She was not sure why, but she had the feeling that there was some kind of rivalry brewing between them, and she was interested in finding out why. Very interested; especially interested in Sniper's part of the story.

They were in a large department store when she finally managed to corner Sniper, as Spy ran around looking at the many suits that he wanted to claim as his own. "What in hell did Spy say to you?" She demanded, arms folded and foot tapping. As cliché as it was, it helped her keep calm to beat out a steady rhythm with her toes. "You look as though you want to murder him."

"You're not far wrong." He replied, a little too defensively for her liking.

"Well why? What are you arguing about now?"

"Not arguing. If we were arguing then I'd have punched his nose into his brain by now."

"That's friendly."

"Piss off."

Lara blinked, sighed, and left Sniper alone to his own devices, hulking her bags across the shop to instead find answers from Spy.

"Alright, how did you piss him off this time?' She demanded, dropping her bags on his toes. Spy grimaced, not in pain, but at the thought of his high-shine Italian leather shoes being scuffed. "And don't try to run rings around me, because I'm getting hacked off with the pair of you."

"I merely commented upon his personal hygiene and how it will affect his chances of finding female companionship." He replied, looking at her with complete honesty whilst gently kicking a bag to one side.

"That was surprisingly easy for you. And informative."

"You asked that I did not lie, therefore I did not."

Lara had a small and secretive glance over her shoulder. Sniper remained on his spot, his face sour underneath the brim of his hat.

Lara turned back to Spy, her curiosity piqued. "And who is this companion?"

"Any."

Well, it had not really hurt to hope. No, that was a lie; it hurt a lot to know that it wasn't her that he wanted.

Spy turned back to the shelves that he had been looking at before Lara had interrupted him. A crisp, laundered shirt had been the focus of his longing affection, and he looked between Lara and the shirt in equal measure. Lara wasn't stupid, she knew what he was implying. "You want the shirt, don't you?"

Spy looked at her with a hopeful gleam in his eyes.

"Fine, get me one from the shelf and I'll buy it." She took it as it was handed to her. "Jesus, the things I do for you lot. I deserve a medal."

"I'll talk to Soldier."

"Wow. That was so funny that I forgot to laugh."

Finally bored of shopping Spy conceded that Lara now had enough new clothes to dress a small army and demanded that they return home so that he could try on his new shirt.

The train home was blissfully devoid of a great number of people, and so the trio got a whole carriage to themselves whilst the others were less than half full. But it was not long until Lara wished that she was sat in one of those carriages instead.

"Quit looking at me like that, wanker."

"Like what, bushman? Like the smell emanating from your rancid clothes and hair disgusts me?"

Lara snarled. "Give up you two."

The train rocked as it crossed a point.

"Like hell I will." Sniper snarled, his eyes never leaving Spy's face. "Not until he apologises, or I get to rip his vocal chords out."

"You'd have to catch me first."

"Not a problem, mate." He rose from his seat.

Lara had put up with just about enough of this. She stood between them, pushing Sniper back down into his seat. "Enough! Just enough! What is with you two today? It's like you're fighting over a piece of meat."

Spy simply stared at her. Sniper dropped his head, hiding behind his hat.

"You two are impossible sometimes." She walked away, arms in the air as she swung her satchel bag onto her shoulder.

"Wait!" Sniper called, leaning his body so that he could watch her make her way down the thin aisle. "Where are you going?"

"To a different carriage." She stopped briefly to look back at them. "I'll get some peace and quiet in there. You two can keep an eye on the bags. Think of it as a King of the Hill mission - except no one really wants to try and make off with my clothes, do they?"

With that she left, rubbing her temples tenderly with her fingertips, trying in vain to soften the steadily growing headache.

She reached the end of their carriage, and pressed the button to let her through the door and into the next car. But, as her foot stepped over the threshold of the next, more busy carriage, the train jolted. With a scream of contorting metal, and a force that Lara had never experienced before, she felt herself being thrown across the train and into a window between some seats. Screams rang around inside her head as luggage fell atop her and she rolled again, this time onto the ceiling. Her legs collided with someone's head, and soon there was a body atop hers, crushing the wind out of her lungs. Another roll, and she and the other passengers were thrown against the windows on the other side of the train.

Windows smashed around her. Dry chunks of earth, trees and litter flew around her head as the train rolled again, and again. Her arms interlocked with those belonging to another, she fell onto her back with a sickening thud, and her own knee collided with her chin. She felt sharp metal stab into her back as the train was crushed under its own weight and, with one final tumble Lara fell against a luggage rack, her head colliding with the thick metal bars.

She did not have time to register that her head was in pain; she was unconscious before she could say _'train crash'_.

_This is Phoebe Hammer with the local evening news. Today's main story; a derailed train kills eleven and injures many more. The train in question was derailed as track points were changed whilst the train travelled over them. The computer systems used to control the points had been hacked into, and those usually in charge of maintaining the proper system functions had all been knocked unconscious. All passengers and staff have been removed from the wreckage and have been taken to local hospitals, and analysts are currently at the sites of both the derailment and the crash site. The police are treating the case as suspicious. We will bring you more news as we receive it... _

She heard the radio crackle loudly in and out of existence. Colours blurred and bled into one another, and sounds were painful to her. She was vaguely aware of a movement around her, and that she was moving with it.

As she blinked in and out of existence she heard voices calling out her name, though one and only one in particular cut through the loud drone like a knife. _His voice_.

"Lara? Come on, Sheila, fight. Fight!"

It was dark, but warm. Comfortable. Even though she could not feel her limbs she had the feeling that they were still there. With a murmur Lara opened her eyes, immediately closing them when whatever light there was blinded her.

But there was someone there who had seen her eyes wince open, and whoever it was gave her hand a tight but gentle squeeze that she could barely feel. She murmured again.

"Shh. Just lay still." She heard a familiar German accent coo. "Open your eyes slowly."

"She's awake, doc?" Scout's voice sounded dull, as though he were speaking underwater.

"Yes, barely. I would describe it more as waking."

"Should I wake him?"

"No, leave him be. He needs to sleep; more so than the rest of us."

Lara finally opened her eyes, blinking to stay awake. She was in a dark room, with the only light source coming from the wide-open doors that led out into a brightly lit corridor. She was lying in a long bed, with Medic and Scout sat either side of her. She could smell the pungent scent of surgical spirit in the air.

"Am I in hospital?" She croaked, barely able to speak. Her throat was so dry.

"Yes, mein liebchen." Medic replied. It was only then that she noticed the drip feeds and monitoring equipment attached to her.

"Do you remember anything?" Scout asked. It was one of the rare instances where he was not wearing his hat and headset.

"No."

"Well... there was a train. Weeks ago now. Hell, months even."

"Train..." A sudden rage overcame her. It burned brightly and, with sudden movements, she lashed out at the two men. Though Medic was quick to move out of the way Scout was not so lucky. He ended up on the floor with a bloody nose. "What in hell was that crap?"

Medic waved a hand in his direction. "This can happen in those coming out of a comatose state. Sudden violence is not unusual..."

"Try telling that to my nose, doc."

Medic gave the young man a patronising smile. "Don't be such a baby. I can fix your nose later. Just don't bleed over the floor – the nurses would not approve, and may become suspicious."

Scout cradled his nose with his hand to catch the blood. "This sucks."

Lara meanwhile continued to lash out. Medic waited until he saw the perfect chance and restrained her with the strength of his arms alone. Scout watched in amazement as he held the struggling woman at bay, keeping her pinned to the bed. "Scout, if you could, please distract anyone who comes to attend to Lara. I do not approve of their methods of care. I can handle this myself."

"Right, and by distract you mean bleed everywhere?" Scout asked, looking worried.

"No. Knock things over. Destroy things. The usual." He suddenly shot him a serious glance. "But do not break anything important. You could put lives at risk."

"Well what can I beat up then? Huh?"

"Stationary, anything like that. Scribble on the walls if you want to just keep them distracted."

"Hmm. Yeah, like creepy ghost writing on the wall is going to distract people. They'll just think it was a kid."

Medic smirked as Scout passed by him.

Minutes passed until, at last, Lara lost the strength to fight. She collapsed on the bed, panting for breath. "Why am I here?"

Medic's lips thinned. "As Scout said, you were on a train. It became derailed, and you have been in a coma ever since. Naturally, for the last couple of days you have been waking up and then sliding into unconsciousness again, but now it seems that you are once again with us."

"How long? The coma?"

"Two months."

_Two months? Jesus, what the fuck happened? Was I totalled? Or..._

She remembered. Pain, fear. Absolute terror as the train was crushed by its own weight. Sniper's voice...

"Sniper and Spy? Are they?"

"Both fine." Medic smiled kindly. "They are, after all, used to being thrown and blown about. They knew how to act; how to keep themselves from falling around the train."

He stretched his arms a little before leaning over to find his medical bag. "Normally you would be in a worse state than this, most post-coma patients are, but I have been giving you my own personal care. These people... bah! They are not doctors. You will be absolutely fine."

"Where is everybody?"

"We are all here. We made sure to hide our things back home – we tided up so no one could find our belongings by accident. Right now it is Scout and I who are on watch. The others are eating in the cafeteria – vending machine food is not the best for our diet, but it has served us well. Sniper, well..." He inclined his head towards another bed.

Lara turned to find Sniper fast asleep on the empty bed. His face was un-obscured as it lacked his shades and hat, revealing his frowning face to the world, something that was unusual for a man in his sleep. It looked as though he had not shaved for weeks.

"There had been another passenger from the train in that bed, but she was discharged yesterday." Medic smiled again, turning back to Lara as he opened his bag. "He has hardly left your side, Lara. Rarely slept. I had to give him a sedative so that he could have some rest."

She smiled back at him. So he did care. In what way, Lara could not be sure, but it was enough for her. "And my parents? My brothers?"

Medic's smile faded.

"I guess I'm not going to like this answer."

"They come to see you, yes, but it is once, perhaps twice a week. Your mother and brother's visit you, your father, well..."

"I get it. He never bothers."

There was a terrified scream from the corridor outside, and rushed footsteps as whoever it was that had approached left very quickly. "There was a pen! It was floating!"

"Scout." Lara smirked. "I guess he enjoyed that."

"I'd bet my hat on it." Came a tired voice from the empty bed. Sniper had woken, and sat on the edge of the bed, his long legs hunched underneath him. "Good to see you, Sheila."

"Same to you, wanker."

Sniper smiled brightly, though his eyes told a different story.

Lara pushed herself up into a sitting position, pulling away the last few tubes from her nose. Medic, meanwhile, had pulled out a bottle of tablets and had poured out a glass of water. "Here. Take these and you will be your dynamic self again in no time at all."

Lara took the offerings and, through sheer thirst, downed the water and tablets in one go. She soon wished that she hadn't as she began to feel a little sick.

"One step at a time, please, mein liebchen. Though you will make a a quick recovery, you still need to take things slowly."

"If I went any slower then I'd be back in a coma."

Neither men chuckled although Lara seemed to have amused herself in some small way.

"What were those tablets anyway?"

"A mixture of elements that speed up the healing process. I've been injecting you with the concentrated version while you were comatose, hence your rapid recovery now. If I had not then you would not be this lively or responsive."

"You're a genius, did you you know that?"

Medic chuckled, embarrassed. "Well, I do my best."

Lara waited until Medic had fallen quiet before she plucked up the courage to ask the question that had been plaguing her mind; "What actually happened on the train?"

Medic looked to Sniper, and Sniper looked back to Medic. It was clear that neither men wanted to explain, but in the end it was Sniper who opened his mouth.

"Well," he began, taking the free seat next to her, "you know as well as I do that the train crashed. But it crashed because it derailed. And it wasn't by accident."

"What?" Lara breathed, confused. "But who'd want to...? With the people on board. Did anyone die?"

Sniper swallowed hard. "Yeah. Death toll started at eleven, but it grew as the weeks went by. It finally stopped at twenty-three."

"Dear God..."

"Medic here helped as many of the passengers as he could. If he hadn't the number of dead would have been much worse. But..."

Lara tensed. She didn't like the look on his face.

"... We think somebody's out to get us. Spy's been looking into it, and he's noticed that people have been tracking us."

"But people can't see you. How is that possible?"

"Don't know. But it doesn't look good."

Medic frowned, and held Lara's hand in his. "Lara, we have all been thinking. It..." He broke off, sighing. "It may not be safe for you to be in our company. So..."

"No." She replied flatly. "No, no, no. I'm not leaving you guys."

Sniper almost choked. "But you almost died. _Died,_ Lara."

"But I didn't, did I? I'm still here. And I'm going to still be here."

"Lara..." Medic began to argue.

"Nope. I'll say it to you guys, and I'll say it to the others too. I'm. Not. Leaving."

Sniper and Medic looked to each other, before finally Medic turned to the corridor. "Scout! Go and bring the others. Lara would like to say hello."

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**A/N:** Is this a plotline that I see before me?


	8. Cloak And Dagger

Author's Note: Hello hello! I hope everybody's okay on this fine… well, I say fine. It's cold over here :c . Sorry America, the great country of Michaela may just have to invade for a little bit. We'll just steal a little bit of your warmth, I'm sure you'll do fine without it. Oh, and Mountain Dew. Lots of Mountain Dew. Anyway, I hope everyone's okay.

Well, here's the latest chapter, so I hope you enjoy it :) . Also, I've now uploaded the edited chapters 1-4. The next lot of edited chapters will go up with the next update.

Again I'd like to say thanks for the reviews and support. You guys leave me with a warm, fuzzy glow inside (and in this weather that really helps. Really, you guys have got no idea how cold it is).

Enjoy :D .

P.S. I'm not actually going to invade, America, don't worry :) . Australia, however... yeah, you _should_ be worried...

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Chapter Eight

Cloak And Dagger

_Diary entry 8_

_I'm writing this on a napkin. Don't say anything._

_So, yeah, I'm still in a hospital, hence the napkin. I actually miss my diary. Only a little bit, mind you. A little bit._

_I'm feeling a lot better now I'm out of a coma. Yes, I was in a coma. A coma caused by a derailed train coming back from Leeds. Oh, and this derailment wasn't an accident either._

_In short, it appears that somebody is out to get the BLUs, and by extension me; you see, as Spy so kindly put it, 'friends of targets often become targets themselves'. How depressing. And worrying._

_The BLUs have camped here with me in the hospital. Medic's been taking care of me, choosing his own medical knowledge over that of the resident staff. Not that I'm complaining – this stuff that he uses, that he created, it works bloody miracles. I've never felt so healthy. Weirdly though it's because I'm healthy that I'm still stuck here. The doctors are worried, amazed even, that I'm recovering so well. Worried. Well, that's what they say anyway. Considering Medic helped others that had been in the train crash, and these people have all gone home now, this only leads me to believe that something is amiss. The BLUs feel it too; Spy is always, always watching other people, Sniper is on guard duty nearly every single hour of every single day and Soldier, Heavy, Engineer and Pyro are on patrol of the hospital every other hour. Scout and Demo help Medic gather supplies that he needs to work his medicine man magic._

_On top of this they've been taking it in turns to keep an eye on me. Apparently I can't take care of myself. Huh. I'll show them one day. Not today, hopefully, but another day when I'm not quite so hungry._

_I feel like I should be in a film, or a damn site more important person than I am. High ranking officials should be getting this kind of protection, not me. I'm a nobody, for Christ's sake. _

_I'm still hungry. Going to see if I can salvage some food. Bye._

Lara sat quietly, munching away happily at the toast that she had convinced the nurse to bring her. Demoman sat next to her and was dealing out a set of cards between them. It was his evening to look after her, whilst the others surveyed the hospital grounds and protected that one room.

"So, what?" Lara asked through a mouthful of toast. "Are we playing for something, or is it just for shits and giggles?"

"Well, I've got fifty pence to my name if you care to play for it." Demo winked.

"How exciting."

"Looks like it's just for the funnies then, eh?"

"Unless you want to play for some toast?"

"Now what would be the point in that? You've almost eaten it all."

Lara looked at her plate and blinked. "So I have."

From the open doorway Sniper looked over his shoulder and smirked. In his arms sat his rifle, ready to use should he have to do so. Luckily, so far, there had been no need. "Hey, legs!" Demo called from across the room. "Have you got anything we could bet on?"

"I'm not getting involved, mate." Sniper replied, returning his focus to the corridor. "A Sheila can get pretty nasty at poker. I'm not risking anything, and I'd suggest you do the same."

"Coward."

"Trust me mate, you'll regret it."

Demoman turned back to Lara with a snort. "You? Yeah, alright. You're too small and too sweet to be of any trouble." Clearly he didn't remember the clout Lara had given him after the kitchen had exploded.

The game began, Demoman choosing not to wager anything simply because he had nothing to bet with. Lara accepted this and finished her toast, keeping her face as plain as she possibly could throughout the duration of their game.

An hour passed by, a time in which both Lara and Demo had drawn equally. Time for them was not an issue, but for Sniper it had become a burden. Medic should have been back half an hour ago to check up on Lara, and to giver her the next dose of medication. Where the hell was he? He checked his watch as another ten minutes passed. Something wasn't right – the German was always so efficient, and never tardy. He had to go and find him.

"Hey," he began, making his way towards them quietly, "don't mean to interrupt what is obviously the most exciting of games, but I'm going to go look for Medic. Demo, you need to guard."

"Why?" Demoman asked, confused. "What time is it?" He checked his own watch. "Holy mother of jumping Jesus. Where the hell is he?"

"Don't know. Look I won't be long, then you can get back to your game." He disappeared quickly, setting off at a charge down the corridor.

Lara turned to Demo with a frown. "Why, what time is it?"

"Quarter to ten, almost."

"Christ that is late. Do you think he's alright?"

"Yeah," Demoman nodded, "probably just got held up in the lab or something. You know what the doc's like around interesting chemicals."

"He's like you around booze."

"Exactly. Oh man, I haven't had a drink in weeks."

"Your liver will thank you for it."

Demo stashed the cards away into his pocket and reached under the bed for his box of explosives. Honestly, how the hospital staff didn't realise that there was a small armoury under her bed she would never know. Surprisingly, though she knew what lay beneath her, she slept very well every single night. Maybe she'd hung around with these guys too long; RPGs were teddy bears to her now, and butterfly knives were merely carving utensils.

Demo stopped for a moment, mid box scramble, and fidgeted. He looked suddenly pained.

"You okay?" Lara asked warily, worried as he winced.

"Just... need..." His knees twitched and locked together.

"Ah." Now she knew. All of that coffee he'd drunk earlier had come back to haunt him. "Why don't you just go? I'll be fine."

Demo scowled. "You've got to be joking, sweetheart. If I leave you on your own Sniper will kill me."

"Oh please, it'll be for two seconds."

"He might come back in two seconds."

"Nah, I need someone to... ah! You. Just in time!"

Spy stood in the doorway and frowned. "Moi?"

"Yes, frog legs, moi!" He pointed towards the confused looking man. "I need to go and water the dandelions, keep an eye on Lara until I get back."

He rushed passed Spy without another word, leaving him and Lara alone.

Spy straightened his tie briefly before turning to look at the woman sitting bolt upright in the bed. "What's up with you?" She asked, disgruntled that he had not yet entered the room. "I'm not diseased or anything. Get in here, or Sniper will have a right go at you if I'm left in here on my own."

"Sniper? Where is he?" He sounded wary.

"He went looking for Medic, about two minutes ago. Hey, what's up with you? Seriously, are you bugging out? Hey, what are you...?"

Spy entered the room and closed the doors behind him. He began to barricade the two of them in using everything he could find.

"Spy, what are you doing?"

"It isn't safe. We need to leave."

"Well that's a bit difficult considering you've blocked the door."

"We'll go through the window and across the roof." He turned to her with his hand outstretched. "Quickly now."

Lara frowned, looking between Spy's hand and face. "What isn't safe? Are you having me on? Because if you are, it isn't funny."

"There is someone in this building that really should not be. I will get you to safety, and will tell the others to follow."

"And do the others know?"

"No, there is no time."

Lara's throat dried. _Oh dear. _Spy always told his team mates everything, no matter what the circumstances were.

"Come on, Lara. We have to go."

Slowly, Lara pushed herself out of bed and reached under the metal chassis for the first weapon she could find. She pulled out Soldier's shovel and quickly backed away from Spy. The Frenchman's eyebrow rose, and a slight sneer pulled at his lips. "Lara? What are you doing, ma chere?"

"It's a little weird, isn't it? You not telling the team anything about this. Besides, I thought you were on patrol outside."

"I heard people talking about you. I knew then I had to come and get you out of here, with or without the team."

"That's another thing. The team is too important to you for you to leave them behind, for any reason. They're like a family to you."

Spy fidgeted. "Desperate times call for desperate measures, I'm afraid. Now come on!" He lunged and arm forwards but Lara darted to one side, avoiding him completely.

"Ma chere, why are you fighting me?"

"Oh, one last thing. BLU Spy never, ever, calls me _ma chere_."

Spy straightened his back, chuckling darkly to himself. Suddenly his whole demenour changed and instead of the tall and proud looking Frenchman there stood a cold and calculating horror. "Clever girl. Very clever. I can see already that a brain like yours is wasted on those simpletons. Such a waste."

"Who the hell are you?"

"You know who I am." The Frenchman growled, bearing his teeth in a vicious smile.

Small, faint wisps of blue smoke burnt through the blue smoking jacket, quickly enveloping the man in a cloud that shimmered with small jolts of electricity. Lara felt her heart stop as blue wisps turned to red and and cleared away into the air. In its place stood the figure, dressed head to foot in a red pinstriped suit, with cruel eyes looking out from beneath a balaclava.

"Oh my God." Lara felt the most primal of fears rise up from her stomach and to her throat. It made her want to be sick. "You're the RED Spy..."

"Oui, ma chere. Surprised, non?"

"You could say that." She raised the shovel above her head. "And if you come near me then I'll knock your fucking head off its shoulders."

"Oh, please. I only want you to come with me. This does not have to turn violent."

Lara took a swing as he stepped forward, narrowly missing his face.

"But of course, I am a considerate man. I will take that into account."

Another swing.

"Do that again and I will hurt you."

Lara ran as he lunged, taking comfort from the fact that the shovel planted a swift hit in the Spy's ribcage as he passed. With a howl he rounded on her. "I warned you, girl."

Outside Demoman was trying to push the doors open. He had only just returned from the bathroom, and the sight of Lara trapped alone with a RED was enough to have him clawing at the doors like a mad man. He heaved a sight of relief when he saw Sniper returning with Medic. "Lara's in there!" He called.

"Course she is." Sniper replied. "That's where she's supposed to be."

"No. Spy's in there. The RED Spy!"

Medic and Sniper stopped dead in their tracks.

"RED SPY! HE'S GOT LARA IN THERE!"

Medic turned on his heel. "I'll find the others!"

"I'll help Demo!" Sniper ran to the Scotsman's side, and peered in through the window to where Lara was taking swings at the Spy.

"Why did you leave her on her own?"

"I didn't. There was our Spy, and I went off for two minutes. Our Spy must have been him."

"Never mind that now, we've got to get in there! Ram it!"

As both Australian and Scotsman alike began to ran at the barricaded door with all their weight Lara was inside running rings around the RED. Or so she thought, as she dodged his grasp one more time, only to feel something sharp but cold implant itself in her shoulder blade. With a cry she slipped onto her knees and looked up in time to see the butterfly knife being removed from the new hole in her shoulder. A thin and bony knee was placed in the centre of her back and she was forced to lay on the floor with the RED Spy's full weight upon her much smaller frame.

"Get off me, Skelletor." Lara spat, turning her head so that she could see him out of one eye. "Get off or I'll..."

"Or what? You'll hit me with that shovel again? Hah, don't make me laugh." He wrenched the tool free from her hand and threw it aside. "Now, you will come with me or you will dearly regret it."

"Just how many of you are there?"

"In this hospital? Just myself. But my team are waiting for us elsewhere; they would dearly like to make your acquaintance."

"You mean you all got out of the computer?" Lara almost choked as the man rearranged his weight.

"Crudely speaking, yes. At around the same time as the BLU team, I do believe."

A horrible, persistent thought suddenly pervaded her thoughts. _The train..._

"That train, the one that crashed. That was your handiwork, wasn't it?"

The Spy smiled mirthlessly.

"Oh shit." Anger boiled up inside her. "Do you know how many people died because of you? Do you?"

He only shrugged as he pulled some plastic ties from his pocket. "A small price to pay for the message we were sending."

"That was just a message?"

"Oui."

Lara looked up at the man in horror. _All of those people..._ "You're a monster."

Another smile. "So I have been told."

Lara felt the ties being looped around her wrists and tightened until it became uncomfortable. "I swear to God," she spat, "I'll kick you so hard..." A smash of glass, and the faint screech of a speeding bullet broke sentence. Looking up to the doors she found Sniper and his rifle aiming directly at the Spy's head. With a yelp Lara was hoisted to her feet and the Spy's blade was pressed roughly against her throat. "If you dare, bushman."

Sniper froze though Lara could see his eyes thinning behind the aviators. "Let her go, Spy. This is between us, it doesn't involve her."

"Of course it involves her. She's been involved ever since she housed you cowards."

Lara frowned. "_She_ has a name, you know guys."

"Keep out of this, Lara." Sniper growled. "It's for your own good."

"Lovely..."

As Sniper trained his rifle on both Lara and the Spy, the RED member pulled Lara away from the door and towards the window, not realising that BLU's own Spy was stood right outside. He cloaked out of sight as the RED turned to quickly open the human sized window before looking back towards Sniper as Lara tried to squirm free. Sniper and Demoman glanced to each other briefly, smirking.

"And why, exactly, do you two look so pleased with yourselves?" The RED Spy demanded, tightening his grip on the blade. "You look as though you have won..." He broke his own sentence, eyes widening with realisation. He pushed Lara away and dived aside as BLU Spy reappeared and lashed out with his own butterfly knife.

Lara ran to the door and began to pull aside everything that the Spy had used to barricade it with, ignoring every burning pain in her shoulder. Behind her the two spies were at dagger-ends, swiping and stabbing at each other with every chance they had to loose. Outside in the corridor Medic arrived with the rest of the BLUs, and as Lara pulled the last of the furniture aside the doors burst open and the team stormed in.

The RED Spy turned to see a mass of BLU descend upon him and vanished, darting out of the window in the blink of an eye. Sniper darted passed his team and to the window, taking aim and shooting at the Spy as he cloaked out of sight.

"Did you hit the bastard?" Scout asked, running to Sniper's side.

"No idea, he cloaked as I pulled the trigger."

Down below the people on the street screamed and cried as the last echo of gunfire rang through the air. "Hmm." Sniper scowled. "So much for keeping a low profile."

Medic, meanwhile, sat Lara and Spy on the bed and tended to their wounds. Soldier paced the floor, eventually stopping by his shovel and stooping to collect it. "I told you shovels were useful."

"Never mind that." Engineer began, taking a seat near Lara. "Did that danged Spy say anything? Lara? You okay, darlin'?"

Lara sighed in pain as Medic doused her wound in alcohol. "Yeah. Yeah he did. He said... he said..."

"He said what? Come on, just take your time."

"He said the whole RED team are here, just like you guys. And..."

"Why do I get the feeling we won't like this?"

Lara paused, catching her breath as she hissed through the stinging pain in her shoulder. "He said that the train was just a warning."

The room fell silent. It was only Scout who made a sound. "Oh shit."


	9. The Household Wardship Guy

Author's Note: Hello, everyone! Sorry about the long absence – I got distracted by life. So, anyway, this was going to be part of a bigger chapter, but I couldn't go without posting anything for much longer. Basically, what I'm trying to say is, this chapter is filler. Filler. Ugh, such an ugly word XD . Well, enjoy the filler, everybody.

Oh, also, for those who wanted to have a nosey at the sketches that I did then you can see them here: .com/#/d4osq81 (you'll need to add http:/ at the beginning of the link - I couldn't get the hotlink to work properly. I'm bloody useless with the internet, I tell you XD ). Sorry, most of the sketches are rubbish…

Anywho, enjoy!

**…**

**..**

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Chapter Nine

The Household Wardship Guy

_Diary Entry 9_

_Hoorah, I'm finally out of the hospital, but the smell of surgical spirit will be stuck in my nose for many weeks to come._

_Well, I got home yesterday, and since then my mum has seen me twice, last night at dinner and this morning before she went to work. My brothers have seen me three times, seeing as they also picked me up from the hospital. And my dad? Well, I think you know the answer to that. At least when mum, Nathan and Phil saw me they actually cared, and I think they're just trying to act like everything's normal - so we're just running into each other when we normally would. Dad's just been avoiding me. No surprises there._

_Well, I'm not on dole anymore. Because I was in hospital I wasn't job hunting, and so the Job Centre took me off their books. I'm actually really glad that the guys "redeemed" all of that money now, otherwise I'd be in heaps of financial trouble._

_Somehow, and I don't know how, Spy managed to save the bags from the train wreck, so I've got the clothes at least. And Spy got his shirt. So we all lived happily ever after._

_Not really. We're living in fear of our lives, and I'm afraid for my family. What if the REDs get them to get to me so they can get to the BLUs? Jesus, this is messed up. Oh, and did I mention that I now have a bodyguard? Yeah, Heavy. Heavy is my bodyguard whilst the others go out and spy on Mrs. Darwin and track down the REDs. Why Mrs. Darwin, you ask? Well, the trouble did start after she started poking her nose in places where noses aren't supposed to go._

_But, yeah. Heavy as a bodyguard. This should be interesting. Maybe I'll try to show him how to use the internet again. Maybe not. The lot of them nearly found the Team Fortress Wiki page last time. And that page has some of their names on it. Well, I'm guessing they are their names. The ones that have them, anyway. But, for some odd reason, something tells me not to point this website out to them. Call it an uneasy gut feeling, a warning from a divine power, or whatever. I just don't get a good feeling about pointing these small, possibly inaccurate, details out to them._

_Okay, I'm ignoring this train of thought. It's not a good place to be._

_In regards to Heavy, I'll just point him in the direction of You Tube. He thought most of the crap on there was hilarious before. Yeah, that'll work. Then I'll can sneak off after the others, and see what they're up to._

_Good plan, me. Good plan._

"Heavy, honestly, I'm fine."

"Nyet. You just leave hospital. I carry you."

"Heavy, they're stairs. It's not like I'm going to be climbing down the Himalayas."

"I am here as bodyguard. I guard you."

"What could possibly harm my body here?"

"Evil stairs could trip you. The fall would hurt."

Despite Heavy's best intentions, he was given a withered glance in return. With a roll of his eyes he gently picked up the woman beside him and carried her down the stairs, whilst Lara protested loudly until her feet touched the ground at the bottom. "You didn't have to do that." She crossed her arms across her chest. "I can walk, you know."

Heavy rolled his eyes again, and replied, with a deliberate slowness, "I am bodyguard. I guard you."

"I can't help but feel that you're taking this a little too seriously..." Lara began as she was led to the kitchen.

Heavy sat her down at the table before turning his attention to the fully-loaded kettle. With a frown his massive finger found the switch and he took a seat opposite her, waiting patiently for the kettle to boil.

Lara looked at him. He looked back, a sudden, bright smile lining his face. With moves swifter than you could expect from the usually sluggish Russian, his arm was on the table, propped up by his elbow. His hand waved at her. "Arm wrestle."

Lara felt her eyebrow rise beyond the level of her forehead.

"Please?"

"You're kidding, right? You'll break my arm."

"I understand." Heavy replied, his tone matter-of-fact. "You are baby coward. No problem."

"I'm not a coward." Lara huffed under her breath.

"I tell you what. I go easy on you. Give your baby arms a chance to fight."

"Wouldn't you rather watch Nyan Cat again? Or the Hamster Dance? You liked the Hamster Dance."

"No." That persistent smile remained. "Arm wrestle."

"Good Lord..."

She wasn't going to be able to get out of his sight anytime soon.

**…..**

Meanwhile, further up the street, the rest of the BLU team were camped in the garden of their new enemy. Mrs. Darwin, they could see, was moving about in her kitchen. She was baking whilst making regular cups of tea for herself, and topping up a plate of milk for her cat. In short, she was being anything but shady. Instead she was more like a sweet little grandma.

"But that is how these people often portray themselves," Spy had offered, helpfully, "even when they think they are alone. Just keep watching her; she will break out of character soon enough."

He had said that two hours ago.

Spy remained calm as time passed, his steely and well-trained resolve unwavering under the stagnant circumstances. His team mates, however, who were not used to long and uneventful stakeouts, were growing restless. Even Sniper was bored through a lack of activity.

"Come on, man." Scout moaned from his place under a small cherry blossom tree. A leaf floated listlessly in front of him and he blew it away with a scowl. "I'm getting freakin' bored of this shit."

"So are most of us, son." Soldier sighed, pushing up his helmet to reveal the briefest glare of grey eyes in Spy's direction.

Spy, who glanced over his shoulder, smiled sweetly in return before his gaze moved back to the kitchen window.

Demoman sat by the back door, one which led directly into the kitchen. "Can't I just blow it up? I'm good at that."

Engineer grinned, and gave him a thumbs up which Demo returned.

Spy chose to ignore him.

"Wuff if ee juf gnjock?"

"Pyro, buddy, knocking on her door isn't going to help anything." Engineer smiled kindly, removing his goggles so that he could clean them on his oily overalls. "If she answered she wouldn't see us or hear us."

"Oh, yeph. Fuffgut afout fat."

Medic stood to stretch his legs, gave his back a gentle arch, and groaned as his body ached as a result. He caught sight of his reflection in the small fish pond beside him, and he sighed internally at the ever increasing white hairs by the sides of his temples. "I am getting too old for this."

"Yeah. I'd say that you hit retirement age a decade ago." Scout smirked, before shrinking under the scrutinising gaze of his elder. "Er, I mean..."

"YES!" Came a booming voice - a booming, Russian, voice. "I AM BEST BODYGUARD!"

The team all moved to the fence, which overlooked the road and Lara's home. Lara, it seemed, had tried to make a break for freedom, and had been headed in their direction when Heavy had, somehow, caught up to the usually fast young woman. He quickly threw her over his shoulder in a fireman's lift, proudly exclaimed his brilliance in his newest profession for a second time, and turned to take her back to the house. On the slight breeze the BLUs could just about hear Lara's pleading response. "If you put me down, I'll make you a sandwich."

It didn't work. The BLUs laughed raucously as the two of them vanished from sight. Soldier turned to his team, a wide, almost maniacal grin spreading from one side of his jaw to the other. "My best idea ever, hiring the Heavy as the young lady's bodyguard."

"Oui," Spy nodded, returning to the window, "One of the few."

"Hey!"

"Don't listen to him, tin hat." Engineer patted his fellow American on the back. "I thought it was a brilliant plan. We need to keep the little lady out of trouble as much as we can, especially with those RED son's of bitches sniffing around."

Sniper nodded, tightening the grip on his rifle. He was the only one who seemed to be in constant contact with his weapon, something that the others had noticed.

"Will you put that thing down?" Scout frowned, pushing the barrel away as it pointed in his general direction. "You're making me nervous, brother."

Medic gave Sniper a knowing look. True to his word with Lara, the German had pursued Sniper in regards to his feelings, and Sniper had, in confidence, told the older man that he loved Lara. It was stupid, really, a grown man like him going all soft over a bloody Sheila, but there was something about her that made his heart flutter. _It must be that bloody huge chest of hers_, he'd told himself, over and over again. _You can't help but fall for someone with bangers that size._

But there was something else, something that was holding him back. It stopped him from pursuing her like one of the many animals that he believed he'd hunted, and he wasn't sure what it was. He hated it, but everytime he thought of telling Lara how he felt, the Australian clammed up, with a deep and unsettling sense of foreboding bubbling in his stomach. Medic had promised not to say anything to anyone, especially Lara, and he had been true to his word. Unfortunately, Spy had been cloaked at the time of their conversation, and had heard every single word. It was on Christams Eve that the Frenchman had told everyone in the room, in the manner of a bad (and slightly drunken) joke, that both he and the Australian had feelings for Lara, but it was a terrible joke that had quickly escalated into something much worse. Now Sniper worried about her discovering the truth almost constantly, bated by Spy's constant threats that he would whisk the lady away to brighter, patisserie-filled pastures. He worried about losing her before he had somehow miraculously found the courage to tell her that loved her. He worried that _they'd_ get to her. After all, they almost had. Now he needed to defend her, and by any means necessary.

Of course he wasn't going to let go of the gun.

There was a creak behind them as a door opened. Mrs. Darwin had opened the back door to throw out an over-baked cake. "The birds will eat if, seeing as nobody else will." She muttered to herself. In no time at all Spy was at work, zipping inside the kitchen before the woman locked the door shut behind her.

"Spy!" Medic called after him. "Spy what are you doing? Spy?"

Soldier ran up to the door, and raised his fist to batter at the faux-wood surface. He was stopped by Engineer, who pulled him away. "Spy!" Soldier howled. "You suit wearing pansy. Get your frog legs back out here immediately! Spy!"

No reply. No sign of him in any of the windows.

"SPY!"


	10. When Good Neighbors Become Goo

A/N - Hey everybody! Shocking, I know, but this fic is still alive! I am so sorry about the stupidly long wait for this update. As I said to the readers of my Portal fanfic, I completely lost track of time, and I've been so caught up with writing for that other story along with my own original fiction that I just completely forgot to write for this one too. For anybody worrying about it, I haven't washed my hands of this story and I do plan on seeing it through to the end. And hopefully this time you guys won't have to wait as long for the next chapter.

* * *

><p><span>Chapter Ten<span>

When Good Neighbors Become Good Home Invaders

_Diary Entry 10_

_Just a quick note – if Heavy sits on you, you know about it. I still can't feel my ribs. Or anything, for that matter. _

_I'm going for a coffee now. With some whiskey in it. Yeah, I deserve one of those. _

_Heavy doesn't. I won't make one for him. Bad Heavy. Bad. _

Spy had never seen such abusive wallpaper in his life, and he had seen lots of badly decorated rooms in his line of work. But this wasn't wallpaper – it was eyeball torture. Purple and orange were never meant to go together. But he was digressing: he had a job to do.

Knowing that Mrs Darwin was unable to see him, Spy left the kitchen and made his way through the dining room and into the living room. In silence he searched through her drawers and cabinets, making sure to keep one ear firmly held in her direction. She may not have been able to see him, but that didn't mean that miraculously opening cupboards would not arouse her suspicion. No, he had to remain professional. He was a spy. No, not a spy. The Spy.

He did not know what he was looking for, but he would know what it was when he found it. It could have been a file of documents, an incriminating photograph, top secret blueprints... the list was endless. All he needed was something to prove that Mrs Darwin was not the saintly little old lady that she made herself out to be. With nothing in the living room he turned his attention to the floor upstairs. As of yet it was too risky to search the dining room and the kitchen, as the woman was far too close by.

After climbing the stairs, his light feet causing some of the more delicate steps to quietly creak, Spy turned into the bathroom. It was, in his experience, somewhere where you would least expect to find something important and was, therefore, the perfect hiding place. But he found nothing, except for an old bar of soap that had been stagnating at the back of a drawer. Feeling slightly ill, Spy left and made his way down the small, brightly lit hallway. He looked out of the window at the end, and smirked as he saw his team mates trying to climb on top of each others shoulders, obviously trying to find him. Soldier, however, ever the minute brute, toppled over the tower of men as he punched Demoman in the face.

"Savages..." Spy sighed, rolling his eyes. But his eyes found a door that had been left ajar. "What is this? A study?" He made his way inside, making note to return the door to its original position.

So many shelves, so little time! Without hesitation Spy began to look through every shelf, through every loose paper and every cupboard. There was the computer, of course, sat upon the desk, but he very much doubted that he had the time to use it. Anyway, she was an old woman, she would hardly know how to use the thing. She probably only used it to play bingo.

Finding nothing once again he left the room, lips thin with a scowl, and leaving the door in its previous ajar position. Instead he made his way into the bedroom opposite. After all this door, out of all of them, had been left wide open – it was practically inviting him inside.

He paused. How could he not have seen this before?

The trill of fear struck his heart before he had even heard the tell-tale click behind him. The cold metal barrel of the gun that lazily followed in its wake was enough to force him to re-evaluate his opinions on an old woman's perception.

Yet the voice that spoke was not the woman's; or, more rather it was, but it was different. Different, and very familiar. So familiar in fact, that he wondered just why none of them had noticed it before.

"It appears as though you are slipping, Spy."

Yes. Yes he was.

Across the street, Lara sat on her bed whilst Heavy laughed heartily at the ten-hours long (and arduously stressful) version of the Hamster Dance. He was only forty-five minutes into it, and already she was loosing the will to live.

Gingerly, she rubbed at her aching ribs as she hid her diary beneath her pillow. She had honestly tried to escape whilst Heavy was seemingly distracted, but seemingly was not the same as actually being distracted. Hence her poor, bruised ribs.

She would forever loathe the Hamster Dance now. She just knew it.

A knock on the front door tore her away from her hateful daydreams of burning hamsters. Heavy turned to look at her, before his gaze travelled to her bedroom door.

"What was noise?"

"The front door," Lara began, sliding from her bed.

"No!" Heavy held out an arm and pulled her back. "I go first. You stay behind me."

"This is ridiculous. It's probably just the postman."

"At two in afternoon?"

Lara cast him a disparaging glance. "Heavy, it's the British postal system. 'Nuff said."

At first Heavy frowned. His gaze traveled between both Lara and the stairs beyond the bedroom door, where another more urgent series of knocks now rang up the stairwell.

"No," he said finally, "I go first. You follow and then open door."

With silent resignation Lara followed Heavy downstairs, keeping immediately behind him as they descended further. It looked as though the rest of the BLUs had returned, judging from the mass of blue and various shades of grey that were amassed outside the glass of the door.

Heavy turned to Lara with a small smile. "I would be more happy to be one to open door."

"Fine, Heavy." Lara replied, sitting herself down on the lowest step as she did. "Do whatever you want. My ribs still hurt too much to care."

His smile grew, and as he turned back to the door Lara could have sworn that she heard him mutter "best bodyguard" under his breath.

The door opened, and outside stood the BLUs. They each looked either worried or concerned, but each and every one of them had a unanimous look of a generally pissed-off nature about them.

"What is wrong?" Heavy asked. But his answer did not come from one of the BLUs, it came instead from the voice of an older woman; and American, by the sound of it, and one who clearly should not have been crossed.

"I'll tell you what's wrong; it's all of you. Inside!"

Lara was forced further up the stairs by Heavy as the BLUs all tumbled in through the door. Looking over the tops of their head's, Lara could just make out Spy as the last to enter the house.

But no. There was someone behind him. An old woman pointing a gun directly into Spy's skull.

Lara's heart stopped. But there was no way it could be here. She couldn't see them. They had that thought she couldn't see them...

Mrs. Darwin kicked the door closed behind her and gave Lara a quick nod of acknowledgement. Yet in the crowd someone, most likely Soldier, made a very verbal threat that forced Mrs. Darwin to push the gun barrel harder into Spy's head.

"I have warned you before," she said, and not in the tone of the very British old woman that Lara had always perceived her to be. "Any funny business and I will shoot the Spy."

"Do as she says," Medic said with a controlled calm to every syllable. His eyes briefly caught Lara's. "But please, do not bring the girl into this."

"I'm not going to bring her into it." Darwin snapped. "Lara is not the problem here. It is with you fine gentlemen that I have issues."

Lara felt a sudden rage course though her body; one that made her forget the pain in her ribs and made her stand. "Listen lady," she began, pointing straight at the older woman. "This is my house, these are my friends and you are not welcome here. Get the fuck out now."

Darwin seemed to smile despite herself. "This does not concern you, Lara."

"Like hell it doesn't. I'll repeat; _you_ are in _my_ house. _You_ are threatening _my_ friends." She left the step and moved to stand instead by Heavy's side. "I'm making it my concern."

"Lara..." Medic whispered.

"No, no if she has an issue with you guys then she is going to have issues with me too."

Still Darwin's smile remained. "Lara you are a sweet girl. You don't know what these men can do to a sweet girl like you."

"And what the fuck do you know about it?"

Her smile vanished. "I know everything about it." She breathed, her voice low. "Can't you see, I'm trying to help you?"

"No, I can't."

There was a silence. Nobody dared to move through trepidation and the fear of Spy's head being painted across the hallway walls. But then Spy himself let out one long and drawn sigh. "Oh enough of this."

With moves faster than anyone could register, Spy had Mrs. Darwin on the floor in seconds.

Scout was the first to speak out for the dumbfounded crowd. "What the hell, man? Why didn't you just do that earlier?"

"Because I wanted her to divulge something, anything." Spy replied, taking Mrs. Darwin's gun and examining it closely. Mrs. Darwin, however, remained on the floor under Spy's well placed shoe. She strung a long line of expletives under her breath that no one but Spy could understand.

"Oh what a delightful vocabulary for such a kindly old woman." Spy mocked, rearranging his foot as she tried her best to wriggle free.

"Let me go, Spy! I swear to God you will regret this."

A laugh. "Yes, I'm sure that I will."

Lara stepped forward and knelt by Darwin's head. "Okay, you've got some questions to answer, lady: who the hell are you?"

"You don't need to know." Darwin spat in reply, before turning to look at the BLUs. "They don't either."

"Tell me or else."

"Or else what?" Darwin's eyes met Lara's. "You'll kill me? You'll interrogate me? You can't. You haven't got the mean streak for it. You're not a mercenary."

Lara paused. Her eyes softened.

Darwin breathed, looking back at Lara with a kinder gaze. "You see? You still have a chance, Lara. Get out of this toxic atmosphere as quickly as you can."

"And why should I leave?"

The older woman's eyes glazed. "If you get out, you won't end up like me."

Lara could not help but look confused as Spy dragged the older woman unceremoniously into the kitchen, where she was thrown into the nearest chair and suddenly found herself encircled by mercenaries. Lara watched as Spy examined Mrs. Darwin's gun once again, making a fascinated humming noise but betraying no real other thought other than that.

After a few more moments of silent contemplation, Spy turned to Medic. No words were exchanged, but the men understood one another. Medic vanished for a couple of minutes before he returned with a case of medical supplies.

Lara made an odd croak in the back of her throat. _"No, they aren't... They can't..." _

Lara's croak reminded the men that she were still in their company. Slowly, Medic turned to her with a soft voice. "Lara, you should not be here to witness this."

She could say nothing as Medic slowly led her towards the kitchen door.

"Oh," Mrs. Darwin spat from her chair. "And here I was thinking you were going to get her to be an active spectator."

Medic rounded on the old woman, cold fury in his eyes. "We are trying to protect her."

"You could do that better than that if you maniacs left her to live her life in peace!"

"And who are you, fräu? Who are you to judge us?"

"I know exactly who she is."

Everyone in the room turned to look at Spy, whose eyes had returned to the weapon in his hands. There was a look of uncomfortable familiarity in his features, something that seemed to deeply unsettle the entire group of men. Lara looked instead to Mrs. Darwin, whose head was low but whose eyes were focussed solely on the masked man before her.

"This," Spy began, in a much slower tone than was usual for him, "this is a not an altogether uncommon weapon. There were plenty of them in the sixties." He paused and looked to Darwin. "It has been well kept."

Darwin forced an uncomfortable smile.

"It would seem to be an uninteresting and unassuming weapon. But here..." he tapped on the side of the gun, "just behind the cylinder and on top of the frame... there is a mark. A small mark, but a mark none the less. And a very distinct one too. An engraving of sorts. An engraving of the number one. That is all."

Scout coughed, nearly choking though a sudden intake of breath. He looked at Darwin now with the same uncomfortable familiarity that Spy had, and before anyone could think he had left the kitchen in a hurry. Lara thought that he looked to be an interesting shade of green when he passed her. She turned back to find Mrs. Darwin following Scout's footsteps up the stairs. She had tears in her eyes.

"Gentlemen, we have all seen this weapon before." Spy continued, waiting until everyone's attention was back in the room. "It has always belonged to one woman and one woman alone."

"Spy, please." The old woman sounded defeated. "Don't drag this out any longer."

For a while, Spy surveyed the woman. Then, "very well. Gentlemen, may I reintroduce you to Miss Pauling."


End file.
